Progress

Ageing is strange. It just seems to happen when you aren't looking. 

As a child I accepted all that my family - and life - threw at me. Not until adulthood did I start questioning just how normal it was? What is normality, I wonder?

My mind fantasises and dreams up the ideal...oh wouldn't it be tremendous if that were 'the  'norm'! I look at the dysfunctional relationships in my life and compare them to this 'norm' I have dreamt up, and feel cheated. When I wake up to the deception, I then start to compare my relationships to my perceptions of the relationships in other people's lives and feel that I have lacked. Never mind that my perceptions are flawed, never seeing what may have happened when my eyes were elsewhere.

Ancient offences, some long forgotten rise up, clamouring for attention. On days, I look for healing in all the wrong places, knowing that The Great Healer is close, watching and waiting, but the path to His heart is elusive.  

Perhaps the Healing requires action on my part. Forgiving, letting go and giving. The call to LOVE grows ever louder. Love against all reason, love in the face of offences, love in my 'doings', not merely in words.

I find those who have hurt me, becoming old and frail. So reluctant to accept the help that is obviously needed, until the time comes when there is need and opportunity to help. And in helping, in that very practical action of visiting the frail, helping the helpless, this feeling starts to grow. Just a bud at first, then becoming a blossoming hope that there will be fruit. At last, through no conscious effort the fruit of LOVE emerges. Past offences become irrelevant and every good moment that is left becomes treasured. 

There is no normality. We each travel our own path, and are responsible for our own choices. To resent, or to love? It is up to me.

The Elusive Healer is perhaps not as elusive as I thought. He is Love and in loving, His work is done. He dwells there, and when I choose to do the same, healing comes. 

Broken is Beatiful?

So is broken beautiful? Or is it just messy and obsolete? I passed an old broken boat the other day. There was just enough of it to make out it had been a boat.

It didn't look beautiful. It just looked broken. Surely it's destiny would be to be bright and shiny, sailing the ocean free, not rotting in the mud.

But as I thought about that, I imagined that perhaps it has sacrificed its freedom to become permanently embedded and anchored to a 'home' . And it has become a home for countless little sea animals that live there. Much of the time, when the tide it up, it is completely hidden. It is empty forever of people, but it is full of water. Were the water not from our polluted land, it would be washed clean.

It is broken but it is washed, full of water and it is home. Perhaps there can be beauty in brokenness.

Identity...authentic?

So I was out walking in an old lane and saw this sign...................

Now the sign was written in old English font and the spelling 'olde' is an ancient spelling. A coach house was traditionally an inn (i.e. pub) in the days long before cars - days of coaches and horses. On a long journey, the coach would stop at a coach house to get fresh horses, or you might stay overnight there or take refreshments...so you would expect an Old Coach house to be a welcoming place for weary travellers, a historically interesting, old, inn.
Well this is what the Olde Coach House was...

What a let down. It was obviously - despite the sign - new, complete with solar panels! Nothing traditional or historical about it. It did not look like visitors would be welcome - CCTV and alarms all round, and big sparkling bars to keep people out.

It made me think.
So often I take things at face value because of how they are named, or signed.

 I keep hearing that church is a family, but families do not just see each other once a week. Families have time for each other.

I am not saying there is no love at church. There is. But it is not a family. I cannot just roll up at someones house just slop on their sofa and know I am welcome. I might be welcome if it is convenient, but if they are busy - go away.

I keep bumping against boundaries. Boundaries should be to keep strangers or unwelcome guests out, not family. Don't family have permission to 'come on in'? Perhaps not to the bedrooms, but certainly to the downstairs rooms.

Our definitions and labels say one thing, but the truth is different. It would be a foolish person to see the sign to the Olde Coach House and just wander in, taking no notice that everything about it screams 'private' and 'keep out unless you own a key'.

For my own safety and sanity I have to look beyond the labels. My house has no label. I don't think I could live up to it if it did. I am not always friendly looking, I can be suspicious, even prickly on days. But I never turn anyone away.

Surely having time for one another is the base line.

 I John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

Forgive me if I sound bitter, forgiveness is a work in progress.

Hiding?

So where have I been?

It's over a year since I posted. I wrote 'the pain of loving', and put the blog out there. Then a few friends asked if I blogged, and I gave out the blog address only to be challenged about the various things I have said. I should have taken on board my own words! The pain of loving indeed.

My heart felt violated. Yes this is public, but why do people who live nearby prefer to see my heart online instead of over a coffee?

It is a short cut to my heart.

Not only were they preferring an instant insight that cost little time or vulnerability on their part, but my heart was judged and my words were used against me.

By putting my heart online I am saying, 'this is worth something...what God is doing in me...this is precious.' It is out there in the hope of connecting with fellow travellers who may be on a similar journey.

I am becoming convinced that we are, that you and I are His Beloved. Just as He is mine.

And he doesn't qualify his love, he doesn't wait until we are healed, set free and sorted out. He takes us in our brokenness, so that He can shine through all the more like treasure in clay jays.

The last months have been a difficult and painful journey. I have been battling with feelings of betrayal and abandonment, I have been aware of lies and offences been thrown at me. Ah the battle to avoid bitterness taking root.

And I have felt gagged. I have felt a pressure, in knowing who reads this blog, to sounding spiritual. To say the right things. Knowing that any wrong things may be taken down and used in evidence against me. Knowing that some of my deep heart feelings may be bandied about as if they cost nothing to write.

And yet here I am, writing again! Why?

Well I have changed the blog name and removed followers who live nearby, lest I be judged, and this blog name will just be hidden amongst thousands of others, and may only be stumbled upon by weary travellers wondering if they could possibly be Beloved too. Oh, and you are. So Beloved.

Perhaps old and distant friends may find their link still works and that is fine. You are welcome here.

I want to be honest. Authentic. Without feeling threatened or that I am TMNE (too much or not enough.) One day I will have the courage to be that authentic with all whom I know. But that day is not today, for my heart has been damaged, and trust is a hard commodity to find right now.

I feel like I have been left with so little and yet so much.

I look around, and apart from my fantastic husband (and that is a Big exception) I see few people nearby. Perhaps my increasingly prickly reactions or my retreat has pushed them away, but really it is ok. Forgiveness is starting to flow as I drink the cup Jesus drank. Yet increasingly, my vision is filled with Him. Utterly beautiful.

Bless you my lord for daring to walk this painful road before any of us, and in a depth we will never experience.

Submission and Surrender

You can surrender to many things.
You can surrender to your circumstances and put them on the throne.
You can surrender to your sickness, your past, your wounds, or your feelings and enthrone them
Where they will rule you like a merciless dictator.

Or

You can surrender to me
And see how I can release the power of the these things
See how I break the yoke of the oppressor.

It means letting go of the pain, the victim in you, the status of the wounded one.
It means becoming ordinary, but whole, as I intended you to be.

Will you do that?

It will free and release you to embrace my healing and know my freedom.

We can be united in a holy, joyful, divine embrace.
Receive the spirit of sonship.
There is no better place to be than in my embrace.
The dove with wings of silver and feathers of gold will rest upon you and dwell in you.
Those who the son sets free will be free indeed.

The Pain of Loving

I once heard someone pray, thanking God that Love is such a joy. That it is something that comes with no pain.

I'm afraid I have to disagree.

I find that there is pain involved in loving. It is a risky business. When you actively love someone, you are offering them a piece of your heart. There is no guarantee that this will be valued for the pure gold that it is. Or that the love will be returned through people.

Sometimes I look around at all the people around me, and I feel such love in my heart, it can be overwhelming. It's hard to know what to do with it, because for one thing, I don't always know the best way to express it, and secondly, not everyone wants to be on the receiving end.

Someone said 'a relationship will only progress to the depth of the person who wants it least.' So true, unfortunately. The same person said that God cannot take lonleliness away, only people can. It is my eternal, lonely frustration that I desire to love deeply from the heart and to visit and know the hearts of those whom I love deeply. But rarely do many of those people have the time or inclination to go there - or perhaps the courage to take such a risk. Said with no trace of self-pity, for I honestly know that other people have many things in their lives to give their time, energy and love to. Their families for one thing! And that of course is right.

But there are huge temptations and accusations that then kick in. It can feel that this love I feel towards others is not reciprocated in any obvious way - at least not in any way that leads us to engage or relate as friends. Then comes the double-edged NETM sword of accusation. NETM = Not enough/too much.

The thinking can go that I am not enough - not engaging enough, not interesting enough, not clever enough, not spiritual enough - just wholly at some level I don't understand, not good enough to bother with.

Or maybe I am too much - too emotional, too demanding, too intense, too high maintenance, too confusing, too prickly, too complicated - altogether too much trouble to bother with.

This inability to deeply connect with others is one of the biggest pains in my heart.

And yet I know God gives me the choice of whether to love. But to 'not love' would be to kill my heart or at least to shut it down. And if I shut it down, it does not just become closed to people, but to God as well. As I cannot do without Him, so then love - however inexpressible or unreturned - has to remain. I will continue to love, and cry into the carpet on the days when it is so painful.

You only need to look at Jesus to see the truth of this lived out – so much love He gave which was not returned. He is the image of the invisible God, who looks out with huge compassionate love upon so many who simply turn away. They have such a distorted image of who He is that they believe He is not enough for them. Or else He is too much - too demanding. They see Him as a taker, when He is really a giver. He will not force Himself on anyone, so the eternal Christ hangs on the cross with arms flung wide and heart exposed, pouring out love in His very blood, to all. To those who recieve it and to those who don't. Like me, He is longing for relationship with those He loves. But only He knows the measure of pain that fills His heart as time after time people turn away, even in hatred of Him, just as they crucified Him all those years ago. My pain can only be a dull reflection of His, as my love is also a poor imitation.

There is comfort in knowing He understands. That He has been there, and still is. Truely. There is comfort in that.

But there is also pain.

The pain of loving.
(all this reminds me of Oscar Wilde’s story ‘The Happy Prince’ – do you know it?)

Sword of Fire

The other day I was looking at an abstract piece of art and clearly saw a face of someone holding a sword, I thought initially that it was an angel. The face had a pearl like texture, yet the skin was red in part & he was wearing a golden helmet. The sword was also golden but it had fire running up and down it.

A song was being sung. It was about pain. A song that although the Lord had torn us, he would bandage us. He had wounded us but would heal us. And that he had not left us in our pain but was with us in it. Like the fourth man in the fire, he was there.

I saw the picture again, and this time I realised it was not an angel - it was Jesus. He himself was standing in front of me with the sword. He had compassion in his eyes and I knew he would not pierce me without my permission. His eyes told the story that he knew what the pain would be like & I remembered that he too was pierced with a sword. Out of his wound flowed the blood of salvation & the water of cleansing….my wound would not cause me to shed blood or spill water. It would not be an exit wound but an entrance wound for Him….for the sword of his word….for His presence…..it would be an entry point for healing.

Then he called for surrender. ``

He asked 'what is on the throne? Yourself, your needs, your pain….?'
All those things need dethroning so that He can be enthroned in my heart.

Above the pain, above the desire for deep close friendships, above the loss and the loneliness.

Then Jesus was sitting on the throne in front of me. His eyes blazed like fire but there was laughter within them. I was awestruck, kneeling but he beckoned me closer. The arms of the throne were golden and I put my hands on them & leant towards him. I heard his words "I will speak with you, I will be closer than a brother. Fix your eyes upon me."

Spring

Everything was destroyed. The ground was desolate. A wilderness. Here and there were brown sticks - a bleak reminder that something grew here once.
Any hope was long since buried under the pure white snow that brought joy at first before hardening into grey ice which made you skid and fall - leaving a legacy of broken limbs and potholes.

The cold winter culminated in endless days of grey murk. There was no vision - nothing to see, not even the person standing next to you.

Then something. A tiny tip. Green. Daring to emerge - fighting its small, defiant way through the hard, frozen soil. The most fragile of them all - snowdrop - did the snow drop you there as it fell? Or do your fields like to mimic the long gone white stuff in a defient 'ya boo!'. You are a most welcome little bloom.

Swiftly followed with a smile by the daffodil - a dancing bright yellow promising that there will be joy again. Tears may last for the night but joy comes in the morning...(Psalm 30:5)
It happens every year but once again I am amazed by the profound message of spring. Creation painting a picture of how life is...over and over again...until one day we will sink into the ground and only rise in a new place where the need to die will be no more.

John 12:24 24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds

The Father Story

Sometimes it is good to remember what it is all about...

The Father Story inspired by Psalm 145:7

Once upon a time there is the most wonderful Father you could ever imagine. His eyes shine with love. When he looks at you it is overwhelming. It is like hot shafts of light penerating through you to the innermost depths of your heart. It is like every part of you is being hugged. Finally you know you are safe.

And this Father, this wonderful Father, is all powerful, for he is God. There is nothing soppy or sentimental about this love. It is the sort of love that puts strength into your heart. It fills you up until you overflow.

This Father walks across the entire planet collecting for himself all who would say yes to him. He has started to write a long and happy story which includes all these people, whom he adopts as his children. He loves them so much he inscribes all of their names – each of their names – onto the palms of his hands. He has big hands – there is room on them for every name. Even mine. Even yours. His wonderful goodness spills out from his heart.

Sometimes his children fall over and his heart is full of compassion for them and he reaches down and helps them. He is kind. He is kind to each one of them. He loves the songs they sing to him however out of tune they may be.

He is creating a special kingdom for them to live in. A place that he will rule over that will last forever. It is a majestic, glorious place, filled with splendour, filled with Him. His love pulses through the air and fills the whole kingdom with joy. It is part of the story. I am in this story. So are you. We can never fall out of it.

Ours is not the story of this dark world, though for a while we travel here. Even as we walk through it, there is a hope - a light, a flame in our hearts. Sometimes it blazes like a fire, sometimes it is just a little glowing ember, but it is always there – our hope. And always, our names are engraved on the palms of his hands, which are ever before him. We are all part of this wonderful, good story.

He is our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be His name...

So if God is in us, why the struggle?

Like I said in December, God is in me....so why is it so hard on days to retain that sense of His presence? That peace, that love. God does not change, so where does it go?
As Paul says in Romans 7:21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
I heard a good explanation recently...here is a picture of it

The aim is to live out of the heart, which became filled with the Spirit once I submitted to God and gave Him my heart. Now He has renewed my heart. My heart is now good, spirit-filled and influences my feelings, thoughts & will.

But feelings, mind and will are also open to whatever influences life throws at them - be it sickness or any kind of adverse circumstances. Then they start getting noisy....the feelings scream 'this hurts' - and I feel terrible pain. The mind then questions..'why does it hurt? Have I done something wrong? I can't handle this, I must be rubbish...why has this happened?' It wrongly concludes 'God cannot love me...' The will loses the will to fight, to draw close to God, or even the will to live! It is swamped...and of course the enemy adds his 2 cents worth of lies and accusations too.

I am not strong enough to excercise will-power to get me out of this hole.The aim of course is to retreat to my heart, where God's spirit dwells and allow myself to hear His voice...allow it to still my mind...to calm the inner storm.

I think it will take a life time of practice to get there. Just as I reach that inner place of peace and assurance, something rocks my boat, feelings take over and I capsize all over again. January has been like that really.

I am reminded of commandos practising their assault courses. Time and time again, they go around in circles. Time after time they fail to 'climb the wall' and fall at the same obstacle. Yet each circuit, they are getting imperceptably stronger....one day, they will sail over the wall...

Understanding what is going on helps, but the battle is still to be won. I am weak, which is fine by God. I don't think I'll ever be strong, but I do believe that one day, his Spirit (which is training me) will rise up within me & provide His inner strength to enable me to walk by the heart, in freedom.
Jesus battled this too. In Gethsemene, knowing what lay ahead, he fought the same fight, he wrestled with loneliness, betrayal, and the knowledge of the terrible ordeal ahead. He was in inner turmoil and anguish, but concluded 'not my will but yours be done..' His victory is our victory, as Paul concludes Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

I am grateful the God's love is here for me, whether I am living by His Spirit or lost in my feelings. It is not a case of success or failure, more a growing experience of walking by His spirit with a heart that is free, full of peace and ready to love....one day ;-)
So I pick myself up & confess that one day I will say, with my God I can scale any wall.
Psalm 18:29

Ponderings from Life

New Year, New experiences

New Experience No. 1: Today I was woken rudely at 7am by the shrill ringing of the phone. Hubby was calling for help as his car had suddenly died and there was a room of eager students waiting for him at work so he couldn't be late. So I dragged on some clothes, wiped a flannel over my face, gulped some water down and drove to the rescue in my nice new car.

Eventually found him near a busy motorway, someone having kindly pushed the car up onto the grass verge (read lotsa mud). So he said 'thanks', we swapped keys and he drove off in my car and left me sitting in his in the rain on a busy roundabout in the dark with no power and nothing to do but wait for the breakdown truck.

Ah well. As it was, the breakdown truck arrived before I got too cold, but the mechanic couldn't fix it, so the tow bar came out. This was New Experience No. 2 (never been towed before). This led swiftly to New Experience No. 3 when we both got stuck in the mud which used to be a grassy verge. After much revving & rocking forwards & backwards with mud flying in all directions, and lots of blue smoke on his part we eventually backed out into a horrendously busy dual carriageway (my eyes were closed at theat point, 'cos no one was moving over for us). Then it was just a case of me trying to copy his steering & indicating motions (tricky, as one of his indicators was broken!) and following him. New Experience No.4 was the utter frustration of knowing the way, having given him directions and the postcode of the garage for his sat nav, being stuck behind him mirroring his movements, and knowing full well that he had taken a wrong turn and was heading the wrong way!! I'm almost busting a gut in wanting to communicate with him at this point...should I beep the horn? (- no - that's considered rather rude over here...)

Aside :  Do you think the Holy Spirit feels like that ever? God freely lets us drive the tow truck, doesn't He? He gives us the keys - free will - and the truck - life. We're the ones in control - He never forces His way...but with our consent he attaches himself to us and is right there with us. I was just imagining him watching my life at times saying (as I was) "uh oh buddy - you're never going to get to your destination that way!! You're going to have to turn around and backtrack at somepoint - sooner is better than later"...and yet He doesn't leave us, not unless we deliberatly dismantle the tow truck and go off without him. He doesn't interrupt us, though He must long for us to stop and listen. He just waits, letting us drive on, until we think of stopping and asking him for help...and then He doesn't yell at us, just sometimes corrects and always willingly gives us advice and direction and comfort if it's needed."

Well at some point the mechanic did stop and ask my advice and I gave him new directions (then promptly forgot to take the handbrake off - ooops!). We eventually made it to the garage....where the car decided to stop messing around & started first time for them!! In retrospect, they have no idea why, as, when they checked it over, they found that the alternator had exploded (vary rare occurence apparently)! Thankfully no other damage. The mechanic had been standing by the side of the road, spouting negative assessments. He was sure the cam belt had snapped, which would have bent the valves yada yada - in seconds he had totalled up a potential bill well into 4 figures. As he gleefully listed these, I politely told him to 'stop right there' and said 'let's wait and see what the garage says shall we?' After all, he had looked under the bonnet for barely a minute - really just checking the battery - so how would he know?

Aside: so typical of the 'the world', spurred on by the enemy always assuming the worst before any facts are known. It was actually quite easy to shut the guy up. 'Stop right there!' Perhaps I should take the same approach when negative lies are coming my way that I know I shouldn't listen to!

Meanwhile back home, friends are discussing the latest book to come off the Christian conveyor belt. It promises "that there is a Universal Healing Code that will heal any issue for anyone. In this book you will get that Universal Healing Code, which takes only 6 minutes to do. You will also get: The 7 secrets of life, health, and prosperity (DVD also available) The 10-second Instant Impact technique for defusing daily stress Access to The Heart Issues Finder"......and so on. Yeukityyeukyeukyeuk!!!!

I hate this stuff that is aimed at people who are desperately hurting. It pretends to care but doesn't think twice before wringing the $$ out of them...offering quick fixes with no substance.

To my mind the Key to the 'Universal Healing Code' is the man who made the Universe. He indeed will heal any issue for anyone. If we follow his way He will heal our hearts, but not in 6 minutes, more like in a lifetime. There are no 7 secrets to life, health and prosperity with him, but One Secret Place where all these things are found in abundant richness. There is no 10 second impact technique for diffusing stress, but there is instant Peace. There is no Access to the Heart Issues Finder, but if we give Him access, he will find our hearts, deal with the issues, and bring us to life. And this Key is free. No $$$$ required. The only cost is our wills, our hearts, our lives....really, I just need need to quietly kill off self, then He will Live in me, bringing Abundant Life with Him. There is no DVD to be watched, just life to be lived.

Hey Ho...Let's stick to the 1 in 3, 3 in 1 secret shall we? He who of course is not a 'secret' at all, though He is a mystery at times...

God in me??? Really?

Us Christians all know it, in our minds. We try and 'be it' (be Christlike, that is) from our wills. We have mountaintop times, or times in worship, when we feel He is close...we are in His Presence.....but it is dawning on me that our minds, our wills, and even our feelings, are not the same as our hearts - this part of us that leapt to life when we met Him. At that point He took up residence in us - Spirit, Son and the Father himself.

John 14: 20 "I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.....Jesus replied, "All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them."

Yes I know it, but do I experience it every day...all the time? Or do I just experience it in my 'religous' moments (ie: when I am particularly focused on things Spiritual). No I don't experience it daily - so why not? Really it has to be something I am doing wrong........

I heard some amazing teaching about Eden & living from the tree of life, rather than the tree of the knowledge of good and evil....and it is transforming my life really. Sounds dramatic but it is. The tree of life is what Jesus brings - perhaps it even represents him, but it is a tree of life (i.e. unbroken relationship with God) and a tree of Love. The other tree is a tree of knowledge - even a tree of knowledge of 'good'. The minute I start judging people and even things - whether they are good or not - I am in danger of chomping on the wrong fruit! Don't mishear me - we still need discernment - I'm not talking about that. But I am talking of this way of over-analysing everything - be it doctrine, Christian Living, ourselves, others, church, the worship, society etc. I so often do this. I will analyse the world, or the latest fad & righteously shoot it down & it leaves me feeling a bit miserable, & a bit ugly inside. Yet what I have been saying is not wrong in itself. I might have been expressing 'right' and even Godly statements - but does it bring life to my heart - discussing the right/wrong in the world?? No.

As with everything, it starts in the mind. I find myself thinking about things wrongly & it soon leads to judgements  - even right ones - but judgements from the wrong tree.

The brilliant thing in all this is that I am helpless and weak and unable to change the way I think or speak, and I know it! I keep finding myself becoming locked in these negative thought patterns but now I am developing an inner sense of warning at such times. Perhaps an inner awareness of this spirit who dwells within, warning me. The minute I feel it I cry out for help - and so far, every time He has helped. Often in practical ways - rescuing me from situations or thoughts by providing something external or internal that diverts me into other ways of thinking or acting. It is brilliant!!! And the minute something happens that diverts me, I feel this inner peace restored, this inner life welling up. Too many examples to cite but they are there and they are real.

At its simplest it is called 'walking by the spirit' and is nothing new....but oh...it is dawning on me that truly He is within.

Many warn against too much introspection, but what if, when we look inside our hearts, we look deeper than our problems & 'us' bits. I can get stuck on the 'me bits' & so then try my hardest to look outwards because I don't like what I see within...then I end up serving & doing the 'right things' but it is all through self-effort and inside I am dying for I know the pain and brokenness is simply being covered up by activity. And if the activity happens to go well, then pride sneaks up for I know that I have done good. Bad fruit.

But what if I do look within and keep looking beyond the 'me bits'? I look with eyes of faith, knowing He has promised to be in my heart....and to my amazement (ah....my unbelief on days!!) I am finding him there. It is wonderful. I am meeting Him there...sometimes He might point to a bit of what's inside and work on it to change it - but more often I just see His eyes of Love and He leads me to places of healing...often at the cross....but to other places too.....biblical places that I am seeing with new eyes.

So this introspection leads not to 'woe is me', but to Him and to healing. It doesn't have to take long, or even involve others - just one touch from Him can heal....and then of course, because He is Love and He is giving, almost without trying I find myself looking to give to others....looking outwards.....and it does not lead to pride for I know it is nothing to do with me or my effort, but just down to his everlasting love and grace. Good fruit!

Perhaps this is a bit of the practical outworking of what October's 'City of Gold' blog was about.

A Week with the Angels

I was privilaged to spend a week at the retreat centre last week. Wonderful time. It was at a 'Fatherheart' conference.

I was thrown at first by the lack of any kind of worship or praise before the sessions. Also no regular prayer ministry after the sessions. There was 'soaking' to gentle music for half an hour per afternoon & one prayer ministry time towards the end of the week but that was it....so different to where I hark from.
It's funny though - as the week progressed I began to see where they were coming from & really appreciated this. It made me realise how liturgal I have become. My church (which I love) has developed a praise/word/prayer liturgy just as traditional as the 'traditions' of the established church which we spurn! I'm not saying our format is a bad thing - of course not - just that I/we can develop an expectation that God will ALWAYS work through that format & that he cannot work without it - that is a dangerous misconception.
It also revealed to me how often I respond out of emotion - I am always very moved by music & will often respond in a 'response time'  if there is background worship going on. All very well...but when the music stops, so does the response & I will too easily fall back into the old ways.

This week I knew that any response that came from me, came from my heart, not my emotions. Which has made moving on from the week rather amazing. I did not come away on a mountaintop high - & those invariably lead you to a valley low soon afterwards! - more that I came away with peace in my heart and a message ringing in my heart. I have sniffed a whiff of freedom - freedom from striving and performance and freedom from pain...freedom from judging and being judged. The smell of freedom is inticing - inticing enough to make me really want to walk in grace.

On Sunday I was supposed to be playing in worship group. Instead of being frustrated that an extra guitarist had turned up I was quite relieved. We went to pray beforehand and I just curled up on the floor of the prayer room like a child and rested in God's love. I stayed for what seemed like moments but was nearer an hour.....how good of Him to send along the freedom to allow me to do that. I find myself lying down on the floor often now when it comes to prayer times. Probably a phase, but He is using it to remind me that it does not depend on clever words or even on what I say or do....I just need to be childlike and He will do it all - He does live in me, after all.....and that is a thought that is starting to fill me more and more.

Kindness is Big

I am more convinced than ever that kindness is a fruit the enemy has stolen from our lives and our culture. It is seen as insipid, somehow weak. The culture screams at us to toughen up, to fight to get on top of the pack. Even in Christian circles, true self-giving is not always evident. There is an element of competetiveness that creeps in as we strive to establish 'our ministry'. We long for our hearts to be heard and that can easily become more important than hearing the hearts of others.

Yet we are told in scripture that God - in His kindness - sent Jesus to the cross (Eph 1:7). In His kindness, He chose us to share in his eternal glory (1 Peter 5:10). These are Big Things. Kindness is bigger than I had thought.

I told God I wanted to learn kindness and what came my way? Inconvenience, unkindness, hassle etc.

An example:I was working at home when the phone rang. The church administrator had rung to say a lady in the church had flooded out her flat. No one could be reached, so the administrator had rung me because?? That's what went through my head - 'why me? I don't work for the church. What could I do about it? Can't the church administrator deal with it - she's only just around the corner from the lady and is paid by the church?' Still, something made me supress words of complaint and I agreed to stop by. Well aware that I had a vax that would suck up water, I left it in the shed & made my way across town to see the lady. I have a bad back and the thought of lifting the heavy machine in and out of the car, across a road from the car park and up 2 flights of stairs to her flat, was more than I could bear. So I went there, willing to offer moral support only but was shocked at the amount of water in her carpets which squelched as I walked on them. Her distress was obvious, and she was furious with herself for causing the flood. As she talked, a wave of compassion ran through me. Love came from somewhere and moved me. Now I wanted to help. Silently I decided to go home for the vax until I noticed that she had the very same thing sitting in her hallway!
"Does that work?" I asked. She didn't know. Her daughter had bought it & she didn't know how to operate it. Well I assembled it, plugged it in and spent the next 90 minutes dragging the thing around sucking up bucket loads of water. Yes it hurt my back (but not forever - it wasn't so bad the next day) but so what? The look on her face that someone cared enough to help, was reward enough. I found myself thanking God that I hadn't had to go home to get mine, thanking Him for the opportunity to ignore 'self' and give something of His kindess away.

It is so easy to be kind to those we know and love and who are kind to us. My challenge was to be kind to someone who I didn't know and who had messed up. After that, challenges came in thick and fast. Customers at work (my day job is serving the public) can be very demanding. Could I be kind even there, when colleagues regularly moan about them? How about when the customers were rude or ungrateful? How about when I am tired or feeling unwell? Or when I am desperate for someone to be kind to me - am I still willing to 'put on kindness' (Col 3:12)? And when I fail in it (as is inevitable), will I be kind and forgiving to myself? What about my thought life? Can I be capable of kind thoughts? (So often I can say the right, kind things but be thinking the opposite). When someone gets what I desire, can I walk away from jealousy and be kind towards them instead?

I told God I wanted to learn kindness and rarely has He answered me so quickly, giving me countless opportunities to learn it!! It makes me think it is something close to his heart. Kindess is simply love expressed. And God is Love.

The Beauty of Kindness

I was struck recently by a phrase in common usage - ‘Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty’ – the first part of the phrase particularly struck me. Why should acts of kindness be ‘random’. To me, random implies that the act was done without forethought to no one in particular. Also - how can beauty be senseless? Beauty makes perfect sense to me – any beauty is but a reflection of our beautiful Creator God. Back to kindness though - whilst a definition I found went on to say the acts of kindness could be either spontaneous or planned, I realised it was the word ‘random’ that niggled me.

When I looked on the internet for this phrase I found a wealth of information. It is the title of books, both fiction and fact, it is a ‘movement’, there are groups set up, both on the net and within communities to promote acts of random kindness, some countries have ‘random acts of kindness’ weeks. It is a movement amongst Christians and non-Christians. The aim is ‘to make the world a nicer place’ or to ‘cheer people up’. An Act of Random Kindness is defined as ‘a selfless act performed by a person or persons wishing to either assist or cheer up an individual or in some cases an animal’ [Wikipedia]

It made me wonder about the usefulness of what I felt I had been challenged to do. Why bother, if others are already doing it? But still I felt a prompting to ‘go deeper’. I wanted to do more than make the world a nicer place. Niceness is twee – it comes and goes and can often be just skin deep. Randomness implies a lack of deep caring, a casual, maybe flippant, action.

Real kindness must surely come from, and touch, our hearts. What if the aim was not to make the world a nicer place, but to become more Christlike? What if the acts of kindness were planned, as well as spontaneous ones? Spontaneous, but not random, for they would come from a heart prepared and planning to be kind to both those I know, and total strangers.

If I really set my heart to do this, what would happen?

The Rock

I was somewhere this week when someone had a picture of God wanting to remove 'boulder' from people's lives. Boulders being huge immovable rocks blocking the way ahead.
As I pictured this, I pictured obstacles in my life as we prayed.
However, I had the strangest sensation that God was not wanting to remove the boulder, but He wanted to lift me onto it, where I would be closer to Him... the very thing that I felt blocked my path, would actually bring me closer to Him.
This was in my mind as I went to church & to my interest & amazement, many of the songs we sang today were about 'the rock'...like the Laura Hackett 'When I am afraid...Lead me to the rock that is higher ' song (wonderful song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbvgOJl8H2c)

It struck me as I studied the word that God brought water out of the rock (Num 20:11), honey and oil from the rock (Deut 32:13) & fire from the rock more than once (Judges 6:20, 13:19). The rock is often used as an analagy for the Lord in many psalms & in Job - who must sure have felt the oppressive suffering was like a rock in his life and yet also reflected upon the amount of treasures found within rock (Job 28)

Something I wrote today:

Immovable

Hard

Unyielding

is the rock that blocks my way.

Yet even as I strike it with bare fists

water flows from it.

As I give in and give my all as an offering

so fire flares from it

consuming all.

Then the sweet honey

and anointing oil

drip from it

and I am blessed.

Hands lift me

onto this rock which blocked my way

and now my feet are on it

and I see it is You - this rock.

You hide me on it in Youself

I am lifted up

Protected and safe.

My way no longer matters

For I stand on You, my rock

and your ways are laid out all around

and I see you

face to face

and am lost in wonder

love and praise.

A Day with the Angels

There is this place I go to. I suppose technically it is a ‘conference centre’ but really it is a converted farm in the middle of nowhere

More aptly, it is called an ‘Encounter Centre’ http://www.loxlane.co.uk/

Happily I am invited to go there once a month. There is such a sense of ‘The Presence’ in the place.

It made me think – what is it about some places that makes the Presence of God seem richer, fuller, more intense, more ‘present’? I dislike ‘Hype’ intensely. The ’celebrity culture’ makes me sick & I hate it when I see it creeping into the church. I really don’t want to jump on the bandwagon of the latest trend or hunt after the most annointed ministry…….and yet, some places & some people are absolutely special & I love to be around them.

If God is everywhere (including inside of me) then why should he be more present in Lox Lane than in my own prayer room? Why should some people be more anointed than others?
 Coming to the conclusion that it is probably something to do with how ‘abandoned’ a person or place is to God that makes it more ‘attractive’ – both to God and to angels and to people.

Concerning people – some are just more sold out/surrendered/abandoned than others. More of their ‘flesh life’ is dead, they live more by the Spirit. That makes them carry the fragrence of Christ more than others who live out of ‘the flesh’. No wonder you want to spend time with them, either being, or learning from them. Perhaps some of the fragrence will rub off. The danger is to forget they are still human, to put them on a pedestal & idolise or worship them.

 Concerning places – some are just dedicated to him in a way that others are not. If a place is dedicated to him (like the OT temple), I believe that angels also gather – especially if it is a place where prayer or worship is regurly offered (like some churches or places like IHOP, houses of prayer, Lox Lane etc). Now I want to worship God, not angels, but there is something about their presence that magnifies the sense of God’s Presence.
 I wish everyone could go to such a place. Of course God wants to build such a place in each of our hearts, but the sad truth is we often do not dethrone ‘self’ enough to allow him to reign there & inhabit us fully. The more time I spend in Lox Lane or other such places, the more inclined I am to ignore self or rather to submit it to the wonderful Holy Spirit.
 Today was wonderful. Like drinking the best vintage wine……I feel a poemcard brewing….watch this space!!

City of Gold

I suppose this blog could sound very self-absorbed. But I spent years running around evangelising and serving and ‘doing’ until I was run ragged, and pretty unhappy inside.

It was like trying to fix a broken car by pushing it everywhere & making the outside look good. It is much better to fix the engine first, yes then a respray, but it will travel a lot better when the insides are fixed first.

I was reading about Heaven in Revelation 21 & it struck me that yes, God wants to establish heaven ‘in the end’, but He also wants to establish it now in our hearts, now.
As we become a dwelling place for Him, so his love will overflow out of us & touch others – a far more effective ‘witness’ to him than any amount of arguing or ‘screw yourself up it is time to go out pray for strangers’ moments!

This is what I wrote about His city of gold – I think His Spirit put it in my heart to write:
My holy city sparkles like a precious stone and shines with my glory
The gold in my city is pure. It is as clear as glass.
The gates – those most precious ways in, are made of pearls.
The walls are made of precious stone and inlaid with gemstones.
A river flows down the main street, bringing life. It is as clear as crystal.
On the banks grow trees that are always bearing fruit. Their leaves bring healing.
This is where I dwell. My city is beautiful, pure, precious. There is nothing hidden and no closed doors.

Beloved, I see roads in your hearts. Roads that have been hard to walk on. Roads that are cracked, potholed and stony. I have come, I am coming and I will come to prepare a place. Let me clear the rubble, let me fill the potholes and remove the stones.
Let me repair your broken walls and rebuild them with precious stones. I would put jewels in your walls. Precious stones that are fruits of my spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Let me place gates of precious pearls in your walls. Many gates, for many to pass though, but each gate will be guarded by an angel, so that nothing can come in and damage the beauty within.

I want to lay roads of pure gold down the streets of your heart. Will you let me? We will dance on these streets that are golden. The gold is my love. I will release my river of life to flow through you. It is pure and clear with no falsehood hidden in it. It will bring life. It will water the trees I would place in your heart. Trees flourishing with fruit and growing leaves for the healing of others.

You will need no sun or moon in this city of gold – no source of external lighting. For I will be the light within you. I will be your light…shining out for others to see.

This city of gold will be your heart and I will dwell there with you. I am there already but let us beautify this heart of yours and transform it into a city of gold. See I have bought the gold and precious stones with me. I am the living water…I simply wait for you to say ‘yes’ and yield to me.

Warfare

My first blog here summerised where I was at the start of the year.
A flashback to a month previously, in December’s 2009 I wrote…

Swords (December 2009)

In December some guys from RTF came & gave us ‘swords’ from God. Not real ones, but spiritual ones.

As I stood waiting for my sword, I felt God shaking His head. No sword for the one who is not even safe to be trusted with a breadknife – no. For me He had a pen. A big fat golden pen that can only be held in 2 hands. It is a pen to write truth with.

He said ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’

Psalm 45:
Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet….put on your sword, O mighty warrior!

In December 2009 a friend who does not know me well prayed over me that whatever was blocking me & stopping ‘that creative work’ was lifted.

Is it any suprise that after getting a word like that, pointing clearly to the road ahead, that a huge Spiritual attack should have come. The daft thing is…I know this is what happens so often, but it is as if I forget. My writing is a weapon – no wonder the enemy tries to knock the golden pen out of my hand.

Much of this year I have been caught in the grip of a war I’ve barely understood. It has felt like standing in the eye of a hurricane. I myself have been protected but everything around me has been ripped up and rearranged until the whole world looked different.

Finding the Sanctuary

At last. Through waiting, reading various books – mainly ‘Secrets of the Secret Place’ by Bob Sorge, ‘Experiencing the depths of Jesus Christ’ by Jeanne Guyon, ‘Abide in Christ’ by Andrew Murray, by endless ‘soaking’ ie waiting in God’s presence, through many tears and prayers: It is dawning on me that He has never left me.
I have searched the world for His Presence only to find it is within.
Pushed to one side on days by the clamouring of my flesh, but always, He is within.

Psalm 26: I wash my hands to declare my innocence.
I come to your altar, O Lord singing a song of thanksgiving and telling of all your miracles.I love your sanctuary, Lord, the place of your glorious presence.

What is this sanctuary? It is a place where father, son and spirit will dwell, and I can be there too.

Where is this sanctuary? It is supposed to be in my heart.

How will it get there? By inviting him in.

What will cause him to stay? Create at atmosphere, a culture, where he will be comfortable. He will actually create this for me, but he wants my permission to do it. He wants to clear out the old furniture before fitting it with new, he wants to change the decor from earthly to heavenly.

I need to become a mobile home for the Father.

Whose am I?
■Get rid of preoccupation with the world, worry about the world/world system.
■I belong to a different kingdom

Who am I?
■A daughter of the King. This defines me. I am not defined by what I do, my career, my function in the church or my writing. I am not even defined by my relationships. I am Princess, Beloved BrightHeartShining, my Father’s daughter, a friend of Jesus

How does he want the Sanctuary to look like?

■Declutter. Get rid of bad habits & rubbish.
■Change the wallpaper from negative thinking to a thing of beauty
■The furniture: throw out tables of ‘me first’, chairs of ‘my rights’, cutlery of arguing, bookcases of time-wasting, clear out indifference, meanness, impatience, unkindness
■Allow Jesus to move in new furniture……tables of love, chairs of kindness, cutlery of grace, putting others first, covering up others faults with love
■Become a people person. Look at people, even strangers….see their inner pain, allow Jesus to show it to you & allow him to grow compassion in you…be kind to those who abuse you.

How?
■I can do none of this myself. The Holy Spirit is my Helper. I am weak…that is ok.