So if God is in us, why the struggle?

Like I said in December, God is in me....so why is it so hard on days to retain that sense of His presence? That peace, that love. God does not change, so where does it go?
As Paul says in Romans 7:21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
I heard a good explanation recently...here is a picture of it

The aim is to live out of the heart, which became filled with the Spirit once I submitted to God and gave Him my heart. Now He has renewed my heart. My heart is now good, spirit-filled and influences my feelings, thoughts & will.

But feelings, mind and will are also open to whatever influences life throws at them - be it sickness or any kind of adverse circumstances. Then they start getting noisy....the feelings scream 'this hurts' - and I feel terrible pain. The mind then questions..'why does it hurt? Have I done something wrong? I can't handle this, I must be rubbish...why has this happened?' It wrongly concludes 'God cannot love me...' The will loses the will to fight, to draw close to God, or even the will to live! It is swamped...and of course the enemy adds his 2 cents worth of lies and accusations too.

I am not strong enough to excercise will-power to get me out of this hole.The aim of course is to retreat to my heart, where God's spirit dwells and allow myself to hear His voice...allow it to still my mind...to calm the inner storm.

I think it will take a life time of practice to get there. Just as I reach that inner place of peace and assurance, something rocks my boat, feelings take over and I capsize all over again. January has been like that really.

I am reminded of commandos practising their assault courses. Time and time again, they go around in circles. Time after time they fail to 'climb the wall' and fall at the same obstacle. Yet each circuit, they are getting imperceptably stronger....one day, they will sail over the wall...

Understanding what is going on helps, but the battle is still to be won. I am weak, which is fine by God. I don't think I'll ever be strong, but I do believe that one day, his Spirit (which is training me) will rise up within me & provide His inner strength to enable me to walk by the heart, in freedom.
Jesus battled this too. In Gethsemene, knowing what lay ahead, he fought the same fight, he wrestled with loneliness, betrayal, and the knowledge of the terrible ordeal ahead. He was in inner turmoil and anguish, but concluded 'not my will but yours be done..' His victory is our victory, as Paul concludes Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

I am grateful the God's love is here for me, whether I am living by His Spirit or lost in my feelings. It is not a case of success or failure, more a growing experience of walking by His spirit with a heart that is free, full of peace and ready to love....one day ;-)
So I pick myself up & confess that one day I will say, with my God I can scale any wall.
Psalm 18:29

Ponderings from Life

New Year, New experiences

New Experience No. 1: Today I was woken rudely at 7am by the shrill ringing of the phone. Hubby was calling for help as his car had suddenly died and there was a room of eager students waiting for him at work so he couldn't be late. So I dragged on some clothes, wiped a flannel over my face, gulped some water down and drove to the rescue in my nice new car.

Eventually found him near a busy motorway, someone having kindly pushed the car up onto the grass verge (read lotsa mud). So he said 'thanks', we swapped keys and he drove off in my car and left me sitting in his in the rain on a busy roundabout in the dark with no power and nothing to do but wait for the breakdown truck.

Ah well. As it was, the breakdown truck arrived before I got too cold, but the mechanic couldn't fix it, so the tow bar came out. This was New Experience No. 2 (never been towed before). This led swiftly to New Experience No. 3 when we both got stuck in the mud which used to be a grassy verge. After much revving & rocking forwards & backwards with mud flying in all directions, and lots of blue smoke on his part we eventually backed out into a horrendously busy dual carriageway (my eyes were closed at theat point, 'cos no one was moving over for us). Then it was just a case of me trying to copy his steering & indicating motions (tricky, as one of his indicators was broken!) and following him. New Experience No.4 was the utter frustration of knowing the way, having given him directions and the postcode of the garage for his sat nav, being stuck behind him mirroring his movements, and knowing full well that he had taken a wrong turn and was heading the wrong way!! I'm almost busting a gut in wanting to communicate with him at this point...should I beep the horn? (- no - that's considered rather rude over here...)

Aside :  Do you think the Holy Spirit feels like that ever? God freely lets us drive the tow truck, doesn't He? He gives us the keys - free will - and the truck - life. We're the ones in control - He never forces His way...but with our consent he attaches himself to us and is right there with us. I was just imagining him watching my life at times saying (as I was) "uh oh buddy - you're never going to get to your destination that way!! You're going to have to turn around and backtrack at somepoint - sooner is better than later"...and yet He doesn't leave us, not unless we deliberatly dismantle the tow truck and go off without him. He doesn't interrupt us, though He must long for us to stop and listen. He just waits, letting us drive on, until we think of stopping and asking him for help...and then He doesn't yell at us, just sometimes corrects and always willingly gives us advice and direction and comfort if it's needed."

Well at some point the mechanic did stop and ask my advice and I gave him new directions (then promptly forgot to take the handbrake off - ooops!). We eventually made it to the garage....where the car decided to stop messing around & started first time for them!! In retrospect, they have no idea why, as, when they checked it over, they found that the alternator had exploded (vary rare occurence apparently)! Thankfully no other damage. The mechanic had been standing by the side of the road, spouting negative assessments. He was sure the cam belt had snapped, which would have bent the valves yada yada - in seconds he had totalled up a potential bill well into 4 figures. As he gleefully listed these, I politely told him to 'stop right there' and said 'let's wait and see what the garage says shall we?' After all, he had looked under the bonnet for barely a minute - really just checking the battery - so how would he know?

Aside: so typical of the 'the world', spurred on by the enemy always assuming the worst before any facts are known. It was actually quite easy to shut the guy up. 'Stop right there!' Perhaps I should take the same approach when negative lies are coming my way that I know I shouldn't listen to!

Meanwhile back home, friends are discussing the latest book to come off the Christian conveyor belt. It promises "that there is a Universal Healing Code that will heal any issue for anyone. In this book you will get that Universal Healing Code, which takes only 6 minutes to do. You will also get: The 7 secrets of life, health, and prosperity (DVD also available) The 10-second Instant Impact technique for defusing daily stress Access to The Heart Issues Finder"......and so on. Yeukityyeukyeukyeuk!!!!

I hate this stuff that is aimed at people who are desperately hurting. It pretends to care but doesn't think twice before wringing the $$ out of them...offering quick fixes with no substance.

To my mind the Key to the 'Universal Healing Code' is the man who made the Universe. He indeed will heal any issue for anyone. If we follow his way He will heal our hearts, but not in 6 minutes, more like in a lifetime. There are no 7 secrets to life, health and prosperity with him, but One Secret Place where all these things are found in abundant richness. There is no 10 second impact technique for diffusing stress, but there is instant Peace. There is no Access to the Heart Issues Finder, but if we give Him access, he will find our hearts, deal with the issues, and bring us to life. And this Key is free. No $$$$ required. The only cost is our wills, our hearts, our lives....really, I just need need to quietly kill off self, then He will Live in me, bringing Abundant Life with Him. There is no DVD to be watched, just life to be lived.

Hey Ho...Let's stick to the 1 in 3, 3 in 1 secret shall we? He who of course is not a 'secret' at all, though He is a mystery at times...

God in me??? Really?

Us Christians all know it, in our minds. We try and 'be it' (be Christlike, that is) from our wills. We have mountaintop times, or times in worship, when we feel He is close...we are in His Presence.....but it is dawning on me that our minds, our wills, and even our feelings, are not the same as our hearts - this part of us that leapt to life when we met Him. At that point He took up residence in us - Spirit, Son and the Father himself.

John 14: 20 "I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.....Jesus replied, "All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them."

Yes I know it, but do I experience it every day...all the time? Or do I just experience it in my 'religous' moments (ie: when I am particularly focused on things Spiritual). No I don't experience it daily - so why not? Really it has to be something I am doing wrong........

I heard some amazing teaching about Eden & living from the tree of life, rather than the tree of the knowledge of good and evil....and it is transforming my life really. Sounds dramatic but it is. The tree of life is what Jesus brings - perhaps it even represents him, but it is a tree of life (i.e. unbroken relationship with God) and a tree of Love. The other tree is a tree of knowledge - even a tree of knowledge of 'good'. The minute I start judging people and even things - whether they are good or not - I am in danger of chomping on the wrong fruit! Don't mishear me - we still need discernment - I'm not talking about that. But I am talking of this way of over-analysing everything - be it doctrine, Christian Living, ourselves, others, church, the worship, society etc. I so often do this. I will analyse the world, or the latest fad & righteously shoot it down & it leaves me feeling a bit miserable, & a bit ugly inside. Yet what I have been saying is not wrong in itself. I might have been expressing 'right' and even Godly statements - but does it bring life to my heart - discussing the right/wrong in the world?? No.

As with everything, it starts in the mind. I find myself thinking about things wrongly & it soon leads to judgements  - even right ones - but judgements from the wrong tree.

The brilliant thing in all this is that I am helpless and weak and unable to change the way I think or speak, and I know it! I keep finding myself becoming locked in these negative thought patterns but now I am developing an inner sense of warning at such times. Perhaps an inner awareness of this spirit who dwells within, warning me. The minute I feel it I cry out for help - and so far, every time He has helped. Often in practical ways - rescuing me from situations or thoughts by providing something external or internal that diverts me into other ways of thinking or acting. It is brilliant!!! And the minute something happens that diverts me, I feel this inner peace restored, this inner life welling up. Too many examples to cite but they are there and they are real.

At its simplest it is called 'walking by the spirit' and is nothing new....but oh...it is dawning on me that truly He is within.

Many warn against too much introspection, but what if, when we look inside our hearts, we look deeper than our problems & 'us' bits. I can get stuck on the 'me bits' & so then try my hardest to look outwards because I don't like what I see within...then I end up serving & doing the 'right things' but it is all through self-effort and inside I am dying for I know the pain and brokenness is simply being covered up by activity. And if the activity happens to go well, then pride sneaks up for I know that I have done good. Bad fruit.

But what if I do look within and keep looking beyond the 'me bits'? I look with eyes of faith, knowing He has promised to be in my heart....and to my amazement (ah....my unbelief on days!!) I am finding him there. It is wonderful. I am meeting Him there...sometimes He might point to a bit of what's inside and work on it to change it - but more often I just see His eyes of Love and He leads me to places of healing...often at the cross....but to other places too.....biblical places that I am seeing with new eyes.

So this introspection leads not to 'woe is me', but to Him and to healing. It doesn't have to take long, or even involve others - just one touch from Him can heal....and then of course, because He is Love and He is giving, almost without trying I find myself looking to give to others....looking outwards.....and it does not lead to pride for I know it is nothing to do with me or my effort, but just down to his everlasting love and grace. Good fruit!

Perhaps this is a bit of the practical outworking of what October's 'City of Gold' blog was about.

A Week with the Angels

I was privilaged to spend a week at the retreat centre last week. Wonderful time. It was at a 'Fatherheart' conference.

I was thrown at first by the lack of any kind of worship or praise before the sessions. Also no regular prayer ministry after the sessions. There was 'soaking' to gentle music for half an hour per afternoon & one prayer ministry time towards the end of the week but that was it....so different to where I hark from.
It's funny though - as the week progressed I began to see where they were coming from & really appreciated this. It made me realise how liturgal I have become. My church (which I love) has developed a praise/word/prayer liturgy just as traditional as the 'traditions' of the established church which we spurn! I'm not saying our format is a bad thing - of course not - just that I/we can develop an expectation that God will ALWAYS work through that format & that he cannot work without it - that is a dangerous misconception.
It also revealed to me how often I respond out of emotion - I am always very moved by music & will often respond in a 'response time'  if there is background worship going on. All very well...but when the music stops, so does the response & I will too easily fall back into the old ways.

This week I knew that any response that came from me, came from my heart, not my emotions. Which has made moving on from the week rather amazing. I did not come away on a mountaintop high - & those invariably lead you to a valley low soon afterwards! - more that I came away with peace in my heart and a message ringing in my heart. I have sniffed a whiff of freedom - freedom from striving and performance and freedom from pain...freedom from judging and being judged. The smell of freedom is inticing - inticing enough to make me really want to walk in grace.

On Sunday I was supposed to be playing in worship group. Instead of being frustrated that an extra guitarist had turned up I was quite relieved. We went to pray beforehand and I just curled up on the floor of the prayer room like a child and rested in God's love. I stayed for what seemed like moments but was nearer an hour.....how good of Him to send along the freedom to allow me to do that. I find myself lying down on the floor often now when it comes to prayer times. Probably a phase, but He is using it to remind me that it does not depend on clever words or even on what I say or do....I just need to be childlike and He will do it all - He does live in me, after all.....and that is a thought that is starting to fill me more and more.

Kindness is Big

I am more convinced than ever that kindness is a fruit the enemy has stolen from our lives and our culture. It is seen as insipid, somehow weak. The culture screams at us to toughen up, to fight to get on top of the pack. Even in Christian circles, true self-giving is not always evident. There is an element of competetiveness that creeps in as we strive to establish 'our ministry'. We long for our hearts to be heard and that can easily become more important than hearing the hearts of others.

Yet we are told in scripture that God - in His kindness - sent Jesus to the cross (Eph 1:7). In His kindness, He chose us to share in his eternal glory (1 Peter 5:10). These are Big Things. Kindness is bigger than I had thought.

I told God I wanted to learn kindness and what came my way? Inconvenience, unkindness, hassle etc.

An example:I was working at home when the phone rang. The church administrator had rung to say a lady in the church had flooded out her flat. No one could be reached, so the administrator had rung me because?? That's what went through my head - 'why me? I don't work for the church. What could I do about it? Can't the church administrator deal with it - she's only just around the corner from the lady and is paid by the church?' Still, something made me supress words of complaint and I agreed to stop by. Well aware that I had a vax that would suck up water, I left it in the shed & made my way across town to see the lady. I have a bad back and the thought of lifting the heavy machine in and out of the car, across a road from the car park and up 2 flights of stairs to her flat, was more than I could bear. So I went there, willing to offer moral support only but was shocked at the amount of water in her carpets which squelched as I walked on them. Her distress was obvious, and she was furious with herself for causing the flood. As she talked, a wave of compassion ran through me. Love came from somewhere and moved me. Now I wanted to help. Silently I decided to go home for the vax until I noticed that she had the very same thing sitting in her hallway!
"Does that work?" I asked. She didn't know. Her daughter had bought it & she didn't know how to operate it. Well I assembled it, plugged it in and spent the next 90 minutes dragging the thing around sucking up bucket loads of water. Yes it hurt my back (but not forever - it wasn't so bad the next day) but so what? The look on her face that someone cared enough to help, was reward enough. I found myself thanking God that I hadn't had to go home to get mine, thanking Him for the opportunity to ignore 'self' and give something of His kindess away.

It is so easy to be kind to those we know and love and who are kind to us. My challenge was to be kind to someone who I didn't know and who had messed up. After that, challenges came in thick and fast. Customers at work (my day job is serving the public) can be very demanding. Could I be kind even there, when colleagues regularly moan about them? How about when the customers were rude or ungrateful? How about when I am tired or feeling unwell? Or when I am desperate for someone to be kind to me - am I still willing to 'put on kindness' (Col 3:12)? And when I fail in it (as is inevitable), will I be kind and forgiving to myself? What about my thought life? Can I be capable of kind thoughts? (So often I can say the right, kind things but be thinking the opposite). When someone gets what I desire, can I walk away from jealousy and be kind towards them instead?

I told God I wanted to learn kindness and rarely has He answered me so quickly, giving me countless opportunities to learn it!! It makes me think it is something close to his heart. Kindess is simply love expressed. And God is Love.

The Beauty of Kindness

I was struck recently by a phrase in common usage - ‘Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty’ – the first part of the phrase particularly struck me. Why should acts of kindness be ‘random’. To me, random implies that the act was done without forethought to no one in particular. Also - how can beauty be senseless? Beauty makes perfect sense to me – any beauty is but a reflection of our beautiful Creator God. Back to kindness though - whilst a definition I found went on to say the acts of kindness could be either spontaneous or planned, I realised it was the word ‘random’ that niggled me.

When I looked on the internet for this phrase I found a wealth of information. It is the title of books, both fiction and fact, it is a ‘movement’, there are groups set up, both on the net and within communities to promote acts of random kindness, some countries have ‘random acts of kindness’ weeks. It is a movement amongst Christians and non-Christians. The aim is ‘to make the world a nicer place’ or to ‘cheer people up’. An Act of Random Kindness is defined as ‘a selfless act performed by a person or persons wishing to either assist or cheer up an individual or in some cases an animal’ [Wikipedia]

It made me wonder about the usefulness of what I felt I had been challenged to do. Why bother, if others are already doing it? But still I felt a prompting to ‘go deeper’. I wanted to do more than make the world a nicer place. Niceness is twee – it comes and goes and can often be just skin deep. Randomness implies a lack of deep caring, a casual, maybe flippant, action.

Real kindness must surely come from, and touch, our hearts. What if the aim was not to make the world a nicer place, but to become more Christlike? What if the acts of kindness were planned, as well as spontaneous ones? Spontaneous, but not random, for they would come from a heart prepared and planning to be kind to both those I know, and total strangers.

If I really set my heart to do this, what would happen?

The Rock

I was somewhere this week when someone had a picture of God wanting to remove 'boulder' from people's lives. Boulders being huge immovable rocks blocking the way ahead.
As I pictured this, I pictured obstacles in my life as we prayed.
However, I had the strangest sensation that God was not wanting to remove the boulder, but He wanted to lift me onto it, where I would be closer to Him... the very thing that I felt blocked my path, would actually bring me closer to Him.
This was in my mind as I went to church & to my interest & amazement, many of the songs we sang today were about 'the rock'...like the Laura Hackett 'When I am afraid...Lead me to the rock that is higher ' song (wonderful song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbvgOJl8H2c)

It struck me as I studied the word that God brought water out of the rock (Num 20:11), honey and oil from the rock (Deut 32:13) & fire from the rock more than once (Judges 6:20, 13:19). The rock is often used as an analagy for the Lord in many psalms & in Job - who must sure have felt the oppressive suffering was like a rock in his life and yet also reflected upon the amount of treasures found within rock (Job 28)

Something I wrote today:

Immovable

Hard

Unyielding

is the rock that blocks my way.

Yet even as I strike it with bare fists

water flows from it.

As I give in and give my all as an offering

so fire flares from it

consuming all.

Then the sweet honey

and anointing oil

drip from it

and I am blessed.

Hands lift me

onto this rock which blocked my way

and now my feet are on it

and I see it is You - this rock.

You hide me on it in Youself

I am lifted up

Protected and safe.

My way no longer matters

For I stand on You, my rock

and your ways are laid out all around

and I see you

face to face

and am lost in wonder

love and praise.