Friday, 1 January 2010

Seeking the love of God the Father

The goal of my life is echoed in Psalm 27.4

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

I set this as my goal soon after becoming a Christian a long time ago - over 20 years ago now.
I had a wonderful honeymoon with the Lord. I was sold out. I evangelised, led people to the Lord. I was young, keen, I got involved in missions, in church life, made Christian friends. I stopped smoking (eventually), I stopped the parties & lifestyle changed.
I moved.....I got married. I was in love with worshipping God. I went to all the prayer meetings. Sometimes I still felt desperately insecure...but I still pursued Him.....I went on Ministry trips, I got involved in the Charismatic movement, I led worship, I was part of the main leadership team, I was leading the children's work, ministering into schools, getting together frequently with other christian leaders....
until gradually, it all fell away.......slowly subtelly it all fell away. I cannot bear to list how - no big sins, no major sackings, just a slow backwards orbit......times of ministry where I had to uncover my heart & admit to a whole mess of rejection and lovelessness and abandonment.
I had to admit to tremendous emotional pain. And once I did so, it felt like - feels like - it is here to stay....
I have read the books, heard the tapes, had 'counselling' until no one I know can help any more.....
I have one hope left. It is the love of God the Father.
The knowledge is all in my head. I know the theory. I have even touched the experience from time to time....but I need an encounter that will re-form my heart on the right foundations.
That is what I am seeking here. Not 'here on the blog' but 'here in my heart'....
Why blog it? Well maybe others are on this journey too. I hope it doesn't descent into self absorbed angst.
I don't want it to. I want it to rise into God centred glory
Above all now, I know I cannot make it happen. It has to be Him. Over to Him now.