Friday, 24 December 2010

God in me??? Really?

Us Christians all know it, in our minds. We try and 'be it' (be Christlike, that is) from our wills. We have mountaintop times, or times in worship, when we feel He is close...we are in His Presence.....but it is dawning on me that our minds, our wills, and even our feelings, are not the same as our hearts - this part of us that leapt to life when we met Him. At that point He took up residence in us - Spirit, Son and the Father himself.

John 14: 20 "I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.....Jesus replied, "All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them."

Yes I know it, but do I experience it every day...all the time? Or do I just experience it in my 'religous' moments (ie: when I am particularly focused on things Spiritual). No I don't experience it daily - so why not? Really it has to be something I am doing wrong........

I heard some amazing teaching about Eden & living from the tree of life, rather than the tree of the knowledge of good and evil....and it is transforming my life really. Sounds dramatic but it is. The tree of life is what Jesus brings - perhaps it even represents him, but it is a tree of life (i.e. unbroken relationship with God) and a tree of Love. The other tree is a tree of knowledge - even a tree of knowledge of 'good'. The minute I start judging people and even things - whether they are good or not - I am in danger of chomping on the wrong fruit! Don't mishear me - we still need discernment - I'm not talking about that. But I am talking of this way of over-analysing everything - be it doctrine, Christian Living, ourselves, others, church, the worship, society etc. I so often do this. I will analyse the world, or the latest fad & righteously shoot it down & it leaves me feeling a bit miserable, & a bit ugly inside. Yet what I have been saying is not wrong in itself. I might have been expressing 'right' and even Godly statements - but does it bring life to my heart - discussing the right/wrong in the world?? No.

As with everything, it starts in the mind. I find myself thinking about things wrongly & it soon leads to judgements  - even right ones - but judgements from the wrong tree.

The brilliant thing in all this is that I am helpless and weak and unable to change the way I think or speak, and I know it! I keep finding myself becoming locked in these negative thought patterns but now I am developing an inner sense of warning at such times. Perhaps an inner awareness of this spirit who dwells within, warning me. The minute I feel it I cry out for help - and so far, every time He has helped. Often in practical ways - rescuing me from situations or thoughts by providing something external or internal that diverts me into other ways of thinking or acting. It is brilliant!!! And the minute something happens that diverts me, I feel this inner peace restored, this inner life welling up. Too many examples to cite but they are there and they are real.

At its simplest it is called 'walking by the spirit' and is nothing new....but is dawning on me that truly He is within.

Many warn against too much introspection, but what if, when we look inside our hearts, we look deeper than our problems & 'us' bits. I can get stuck on the 'me bits' & so then try my hardest to look outwards because I don't like what I see within...then I end up serving & doing the 'right things' but it is all through self-effort and inside I am dying for I know the pain and brokenness is simply being covered up by activity. And if the activity happens to go well, then pride sneaks up for I know that I have done good. Bad fruit.

But what if I do look within and keep looking beyond the 'me bits'? I look with eyes of faith, knowing He has promised to be in my heart....and to my amazement ( unbelief on days!!) I am finding him there. It is wonderful. I am meeting Him there...sometimes He might point to a bit of what's inside and work on it to change it - but more often I just see His eyes of Love and He leads me to places of healing...often at the cross....but to other places too.....biblical places that I am seeing with new eyes.

So this introspection leads not to 'woe is me', but to Him and to healing. It doesn't have to take long, or even involve others - just one touch from Him can heal....and then of course, because He is Love and He is giving, almost without trying I find myself looking to give to others....looking outwards.....and it does not lead to pride for I know it is nothing to do with me or my effort, but just down to his everlasting love and grace. Good fruit!

Perhaps this is a bit of the practical outworking of what October's 'City of Gold' blog was about.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

A Week with the Angels

I was privilaged to spend a week at the retreat centre last week. Wonderful time. It was at a 'Fatherheart' conference.

I was thrown at first by the lack of any kind of worship or praise before the sessions. Also no regular prayer ministry after the sessions. There was 'soaking' to gentle music for half an hour per afternoon & one prayer ministry time towards the end of the week but that was different to where I hark from.
It's funny though - as the week progressed I began to see where they were coming from & really appreciated this. It made me realise how liturgal I have become. My church (which I love) has developed a praise/word/prayer liturgy just as traditional as the 'traditions' of the established church which we spurn! I'm not saying our format is a bad thing - of course not - just that I/we can develop an expectation that God will ALWAYS work through that format & that he cannot work without it - that is a dangerous misconception.
It also revealed to me how often I respond out of emotion - I am always very moved by music & will often respond in a 'response time'  if there is background worship going on. All very well...but when the music stops, so does the response & I will too easily fall back into the old ways.

This week I knew that any response that came from me, came from my heart, not my emotions. Which has made moving on from the week rather amazing. I did not come away on a mountaintop high - & those invariably lead you to a valley low soon afterwards! - more that I came away with peace in my heart and a message ringing in my heart. I have sniffed a whiff of freedom - freedom from striving and performance and freedom from pain...freedom from judging and being judged. The smell of freedom is inticing - inticing enough to make me really want to walk in grace.

On Sunday I was supposed to be playing in worship group. Instead of being frustrated that an extra guitarist had turned up I was quite relieved. We went to pray beforehand and I just curled up on the floor of the prayer room like a child and rested in God's love. I stayed for what seemed like moments but was nearer an good of Him to send along the freedom to allow me to do that. I find myself lying down on the floor often now when it comes to prayer times. Probably a phase, but He is using it to remind me that it does not depend on clever words or even on what I say or do....I just need to be childlike and He will do it all - He does live in me, after all.....and that is a thought that is starting to fill me more and more.

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Kindness is Big

I am more convinced than ever that kindness is a fruit the enemy has stolen from our lives and our culture. It is seen as insipid, somehow weak. The culture screams at us to toughen up, to fight to get on top of the pack. Even in Christian circles, true self-giving is not always evident. There is an element of competetiveness that creeps in as we strive to establish 'our ministry'. We long for our hearts to be heard and that can easily become more important than hearing the hearts of others.

Yet we are told in scripture that God - in His kindness - sent Jesus to the cross (Eph 1:7). In His kindness, He chose us to share in his eternal glory (1 Peter 5:10). These are Big Things. Kindness is bigger than I had thought.

I told God I wanted to learn kindness and what came my way? Inconvenience, unkindness, hassle etc.

An example:I was working at home when the phone rang. The church administrator had rung to say a lady in the church had flooded out her flat. No one could be reached, so the administrator had rung me because?? That's what went through my head - 'why me? I don't work for the church. What could I do about it? Can't the church administrator deal with it - she's only just around the corner from the lady and is paid by the church?' Still, something made me supress words of complaint and I agreed to stop by. Well aware that I had a vax that would suck up water, I left it in the shed & made my way across town to see the lady. I have a bad back and the thought of lifting the heavy machine in and out of the car, across a road from the car park and up 2 flights of stairs to her flat, was more than I could bear. So I went there, willing to offer moral support only but was shocked at the amount of water in her carpets which squelched as I walked on them. Her distress was obvious, and she was furious with herself for causing the flood. As she talked, a wave of compassion ran through me. Love came from somewhere and moved me. Now I wanted to help. Silently I decided to go home for the vax until I noticed that she had the very same thing sitting in her hallway!
"Does that work?" I asked. She didn't know. Her daughter had bought it & she didn't know how to operate it. Well I assembled it, plugged it in and spent the next 90 minutes dragging the thing around sucking up bucket loads of water. Yes it hurt my back (but not forever - it wasn't so bad the next day) but so what? The look on her face that someone cared enough to help, was reward enough. I found myself thanking God that I hadn't had to go home to get mine, thanking Him for the opportunity to ignore 'self' and give something of His kindess away.

It is so easy to be kind to those we know and love and who are kind to us. My challenge was to be kind to someone who I didn't know and who had messed up. After that, challenges came in thick and fast. Customers at work (my day job is serving the public) can be very demanding. Could I be kind even there, when colleagues regularly moan about them? How about when the customers were rude or ungrateful? How about when I am tired or feeling unwell? Or when I am desperate for someone to be kind to me - am I still willing to 'put on kindness' (Col 3:12)? And when I fail in it (as is inevitable), will I be kind and forgiving to myself? What about my thought life? Can I be capable of kind thoughts? (So often I can say the right, kind things but be thinking the opposite). When someone gets what I desire, can I walk away from jealousy and be kind towards them instead?

I told God I wanted to learn kindness and rarely has He answered me so quickly, giving me countless opportunities to learn it!! It makes me think it is something close to his heart. Kindess is simply love expressed. And God is Love.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

The Beauty of Kindness

I was struck recently by a phrase in common usage - ‘Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty’ – the first part of the phrase particularly struck me. Why should acts of kindness be ‘random’. To me, random implies that the act was done without forethought to no one in particular. Also - how can beauty be senseless? Beauty makes perfect sense to me – any beauty is but a reflection of our beautiful Creator God. Back to kindness though - whilst a definition I found went on to say the acts of kindness could be either spontaneous or planned, I realised it was the word ‘random’ that niggled me.

When I looked on the internet for this phrase I found a wealth of information. It is the title of books, both fiction and fact, it is a ‘movement’, there are groups set up, both on the net and within communities to promote acts of random kindness, some countries have ‘random acts of kindness’ weeks. It is a movement amongst Christians and non-Christians. The aim is ‘to make the world a nicer place’ or to ‘cheer people up’. An Act of Random Kindness is defined as ‘a selfless act performed by a person or persons wishing to either assist or cheer up an individual or in some cases an animal’ [Wikipedia]

It made me wonder about the usefulness of what I felt I had been challenged to do. Why bother, if others are already doing it? But still I felt a prompting to ‘go deeper’. I wanted to do more than make the world a nicer place. Niceness is twee – it comes and goes and can often be just skin deep. Randomness implies a lack of deep caring, a casual, maybe flippant, action.

Real kindness must surely come from, and touch, our hearts. What if the aim was not to make the world a nicer place, but to become more Christlike? What if the acts of kindness were planned, as well as spontaneous ones? Spontaneous, but not random, for they would come from a heart prepared and planning to be kind to both those I know, and total strangers.

If I really set my heart to do this, what would happen?

Sunday, 24 October 2010

The Rock

I was somewhere this week when someone had a picture of God wanting to remove 'boulder' from people's lives. Boulders being huge immovable rocks blocking the way ahead.
As I pictured this, I pictured obstacles in my life as we prayed.
However, I had the strangest sensation that God was not wanting to remove the boulder, but He wanted to lift me onto it, where I would be closer to Him... the very thing that I felt blocked my path, would actually bring me closer to Him.
This was in my mind as I went to church & to my interest & amazement, many of the songs we sang today were about 'the rock' the Laura Hackett 'When I am afraid...Lead me to the rock that is higher ' song (wonderful song!

It struck me as I studied the word that God brought water out of the rock (Num 20:11), honey and oil from the rock (Deut 32:13) & fire from the rock more than once (Judges 6:20, 13:19). The rock is often used as an analagy for the Lord in many psalms & in Job - who must sure have felt the oppressive suffering was like a rock in his life and yet also reflected upon the amount of treasures found within rock (Job 28)

Something I wrote today:

is the rock that blocks my way.
Yet even as I strike it with bare fists
water flows from it.
As I give in and give my all as an offering
so fire flares from it
consuming all.
Then the sweet honey
and anointing oil
drip from it
and I am blessed.

Hands lift me
onto this rock which blocked my way
and now my feet are on it
and I see it is You - this rock.
You hide me on it in Youself
I am lifted up
Protected and safe.

My way no longer matters
For I stand on You, my rock
and your ways are laid out all around
and I see you
face to face
and am lost in wonder
love and praise.

Monday, 18 October 2010

A Day with the Angels

There is this place I go to. I suppose technically it is a ‘conference centre’ but really it is a converted farm in the middle of nowhere

More aptly, it is called an ‘Encounter Centre’

Happily I am invited to go there once a month. There is such a sense of ‘The Presence’ in the place.

It made me think – what is it about some places that makes the Presence of God seem richer, fuller, more intense, more ‘present’? I dislike ‘Hype’ intensely. The ’celebrity culture’ makes me sick & I hate it when I see it creeping into the church. I really don’t want to jump on the bandwagon of the latest trend or hunt after the most annointed ministry…….and yet, some places & some people are absolutely special & I love to be around them.

If God is everywhere (including inside of me) then why should he be more present in Lox Lane than in my own prayer room? Why should some people be more anointed than others?
 Coming to the conclusion that it is probably something to do with how ‘abandoned’ a person or place is to God that makes it more ‘attractive’ – both to God and to angels and to people.

Concerning people – some are just more sold out/surrendered/abandoned than others. More of their ‘flesh life’ is dead, they live more by the Spirit. That makes them carry the fragrence of Christ more than others who live out of ‘the flesh’. No wonder you want to spend time with them, either being, or learning from them. Perhaps some of the fragrence will rub off. The danger is to forget they are still human, to put them on a pedestal & idolise or worship them.

 Concerning places – some are just dedicated to him in a way that others are not. If a place is dedicated to him (like the OT temple), I believe that angels also gather – especially if it is a place where prayer or worship is regurly offered (like some churches or places like IHOP, houses of prayer, Lox Lane etc). Now I want to worship God, not angels, but there is something about their presence that magnifies the sense of God’s Presence.
 I wish everyone could go to such a place. Of course God wants to build such a place in each of our hearts, but the sad truth is we often do not dethrone ‘self’ enough to allow him to reign there & inhabit us fully. The more time I spend in Lox Lane or other such places, the more inclined I am to ignore self or rather to submit it to the wonderful Holy Spirit.
 Today was wonderful. Like drinking the best vintage wine……I feel a poemcard brewing….watch this space!!

Friday, 15 October 2010

City of Gold

I suppose this blog could sound very self-absorbed. But I spent years running around evangelising and serving and ‘doing’ until I was run ragged, and pretty unhappy inside.

It was like trying to fix a broken car by pushing it everywhere & making the outside look good. It is much better to fix the engine first, yes then a respray, but it will travel a lot better when the insides are fixed first.

I was reading about Heaven in Revelation 21 & it struck me that yes, God wants to establish heaven ‘in the end’, but He also wants to establish it now in our hearts, now.
As we become a dwelling place for Him, so his love will overflow out of us & touch others – a far more effective ‘witness’ to him than any amount of arguing or ‘screw yourself up it is time to go out pray for strangers’ moments!

This is what I wrote about His city of gold – I think His Spirit put it in my heart to write:
My holy city sparkles like a precious stone and shines with my glory
The gold in my city is pure. It is as clear as glass.
The gates – those most precious ways in, are made of pearls.
The walls are made of precious stone and inlaid with gemstones.
A river flows down the main street, bringing life. It is as clear as crystal.
On the banks grow trees that are always bearing fruit. Their leaves bring healing.
This is where I dwell. My city is beautiful, pure, precious. There is nothing hidden and no closed doors.

Beloved, I see roads in your hearts. Roads that have been hard to walk on. Roads that are cracked, potholed and stony. I have come, I am coming and I will come to prepare a place. Let me clear the rubble, let me fill the potholes and remove the stones.
Let me repair your broken walls and rebuild them with precious stones. I would put jewels in your walls. Precious stones that are fruits of my spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Let me place gates of precious pearls in your walls. Many gates, for many to pass though, but each gate will be guarded by an angel, so that nothing can come in and damage the beauty within.

I want to lay roads of pure gold down the streets of your heart. Will you let me? We will dance on these streets that are golden. The gold is my love. I will release my river of life to flow through you. It is pure and clear with no falsehood hidden in it. It will bring life. It will water the trees I would place in your heart. Trees flourishing with fruit and growing leaves for the healing of others.

You will need no sun or moon in this city of gold – no source of external lighting. For I will be the light within you. I will be your light…shining out for others to see.

This city of gold will be your heart and I will dwell there with you. I am there already but let us beautify this heart of yours and transform it into a city of gold. See I have bought the gold and precious stones with me. I am the living water…I simply wait for you to say ‘yes’ and yield to me.

Friday, 1 October 2010


My first blog here summerised where I was at the start of the year.
A flashback to a month previously, in December’s 2009 I wrote…

Swords (December 2009)

In December some guys from RTF came & gave us ‘swords’ from God. Not real ones, but spiritual ones.

As I stood waiting for my sword, I felt God shaking His head. No sword for the one who is not even safe to be trusted with a breadknife – no. For me He had a pen. A big fat golden pen that can only be held in 2 hands. It is a pen to write truth with.

He said ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’

Psalm 45:
Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet….put on your sword, O mighty warrior!

In December 2009 a friend who does not know me well prayed over me that whatever was blocking me & stopping ‘that creative work’ was lifted.

Is it any suprise that after getting a word like that, pointing clearly to the road ahead, that a huge Spiritual attack should have come. The daft thing is…I know this is what happens so often, but it is as if I forget. My writing is a weapon – no wonder the enemy tries to knock the golden pen out of my hand.

Much of this year I have been caught in the grip of a war I’ve barely understood. It has felt like standing in the eye of a hurricane. I myself have been protected but everything around me has been ripped up and rearranged until the whole world looked different.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Finding the Sanctuary

At last. Through waiting, reading various books – mainly ‘Secrets of the Secret Place’ by Bob Sorge, ‘Experiencing the depths of Jesus Christ’ by Jeanne Guyon, ‘Abide in Christ’ by Andrew Murray, by endless ‘soaking’ ie waiting in God’s presence, through many tears and prayers: It is dawning on me that He has never left me.
I have searched the world for His Presence only to find it is within.
Pushed to one side on days by the clamouring of my flesh, but always, He is within.

Psalm 26: I wash my hands to declare my innocence.
I come to your altar, O Lord singing a song of thanksgiving and telling of all your miracles.I love your sanctuary, Lord, the place of your glorious presence.

What is this sanctuary? It is a place where father, son and spirit will dwell, and I can be there too.

Where is this sanctuary? It is supposed to be in my heart.

How will it get there? By inviting him in.

What will cause him to stay? Create at atmosphere, a culture, where he will be comfortable. He will actually create this for me, but he wants my permission to do it. He wants to clear out the old furniture before fitting it with new, he wants to change the decor from earthly to heavenly.

I need to become a mobile home for the Father.

Whose am I?
■Get rid of preoccupation with the world, worry about the world/world system.
■I belong to a different kingdom

Who am I?
■A daughter of the King. This defines me. I am not defined by what I do, my career, my function in the church or my writing. I am not even defined by my relationships. I am Princess, Beloved BrightHeartShining, my Father’s daughter, a friend of Jesus

How does he want the Sanctuary to look like?

■Declutter. Get rid of bad habits & rubbish.
■Change the wallpaper from negative thinking to a thing of beauty
■The furniture: throw out tables of ‘me first’, chairs of ‘my rights’, cutlery of arguing, bookcases of time-wasting, clear out indifference, meanness, impatience, unkindness
■Allow Jesus to move in new furniture……tables of love, chairs of kindness, cutlery of grace, putting others first, covering up others faults with love
■Become a people person. Look at people, even strangers….see their inner pain, allow Jesus to show it to you & allow him to grow compassion in you…be kind to those who abuse you.

■I can do none of this myself. The Holy Spirit is my Helper. I am weak…that is ok.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Random Summer Encouragements

Encouragements I have gleaned along the way May-July

■Psalm 23 – the table is spread before us in the midst of our enemies. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus not on the enemy
■Road to Emmaus. Jesus HIMSELF made all the difference. Not knowing about him or hearing about him. His own presence is what transformed the travellors
■Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus. He took Mary where she least wanted to go – the tomb. She had to face the pain to see the miracle
■Phil 3:8…everything else is worthless when compared to the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord
■Romans 8:17 If we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering
■Jeremiah 23:29 Does not my word burn like fire? says the Lord. He is a ‘hammer that smashes a rock to pieces’
■there is a wind of his fire on the move…a new wind
■I must discover, live in, the fear of the Lord
■When we open our mouths to speak in his name I must have the fear of the Lord in our hearts. Then I will say only his words & not go beyond them. Then my words will burn like fire.
■I am adorned in royal robes…….endure the suffering…don’t kick against it…even the loneliness…allow it to drive you deeper into God.

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Uncapping the Well

This is what God has said to me:

I have sent you my waves
I have sent you my river.
My waves have washed over you
and you have soaked in my river.

These things are good but there is more.
The waves and the river come from me, from my realm.
It is my hand that releases them.
But my hand has also placed a spring within you.

These are days to discover the spring.
The spring will well up with pure water
My hand has released the spring
but whether it flows or not is your choice.
You can cap the head of this spring or block its flow.
Your sin, your wrong heart attitudes, your undisciplined thought life -
All these things can hinder the flow of the spring.
I will train and help you to find this inner spring and keep its flow clear.

The spring will refresh you from within on the days when you are far from the river and waves.
It will bring an illogical joy from me.
If you allow the spring to flow
It will change and refresh you, sustain and strengthen you
on your darkest days and when trouble is all around you.
The spring will water your heart and enable good fruit to grow in your life.
Let the spring waters rise up and flow.

Funny how He speaks of fire and water at the same time. In Feb I wrote

Be purified in the crucible of fire.
The heat is on.
It may hurt but not one hair of your head will be harmed
and there is one who stands there
in the fire with you

Such warfare. Like the spring it does not come so much from external circumstances, but from internal conflict. I just get into negative thought patterns so easily. I may start thinking about how alone I am, or how little I am accomplishing with my life and before I know it I am picturing worst case scenarios, or plotting a lifetime of withdrawal and wondering if anyone will even notice…I develop stinky bitter attitudes which I later regret….somehow I need to find weapons to use when this happens.

In my better moments I wonder whether being alone is part of God’s plan to bring me closer to him. To be close, you must spend time with him, and time is something I have a lot of – would it be a waste to simply waste it on him?

If the loneliness afflicts my heart – as it does – can I not somehow allow the pain of it to drive me deeper into Him? How I can feel alone – really – if He – Almighty God, maker of the universe, Jesus his son, my friend and Lord, the Holy Spirit, the comforter – if all these 3 are with me.

I guess the key is KNOWING they are with me.

My prayers sometimes feel they are going nowhere & my mind wanders as I sit in the prayer room. And my feelings are unreliable at best, deceptive at worst.

Strategies then:

■Recognise/identify when thought patterns or feelings take a nosedive and ACT LIKE THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
■Put on ipod & go for walk if it’s a nice day
■Pick up His word….focus on the bits that speak
■Think about the cross – picture myself in front of it – take the wood in my hands…
■Think about Jesus stories, put myself in the place of some of the characters…
■DON’T distract myself with computer jobs or tasks
■Listen to Bob Sorge Sermons
■Read a helpful book about seeking God
■Rest, make a hot drink, be kind to myself, treat myself as a friend under attack, not as a shameful enemy
■Be patient, these feelings will not last forever…they will pass….wait….

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Wrestling the Flesh

And yet it is March & not a whole lot more is written.

We were prophesied over lately & I had one word about comfort…God wanting to comfort….and yes – totally witness to that one

Also a word that my well was blocked

Just a huge conflict of feelings esp. When I am in God’s presence. I am so aware of sinful attitudes and actions – envy, selfishness, soulishness, bitterness, anger to name but a few. And so screwed up about relationships. I find myself with hours spent alone. Long hours. I feel that there are relationships that have drifted. I am afraid of rejection & trapped in isolation by that fear – for should I approach anyone for company & they say ‘no’, than what??

So quickly it all becomes about me and how I feel. And I know it should be about God and how He feels and what He wants.

What a huge conflict and war goes on within my soul.

So aware of the need for mercy.

I feel like Jacob, wrestling with God. I will not let go till He meets me.

I suspect that this consuming fire, is burning up my flesh. But how it protests. How it hurts.

Friday, 1 January 2010

Seeking the love of God the Father

The goal of my life is echoed in Psalm 27.4

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

I set this as my goal soon after becoming a Christian a long time ago - over 20 years ago now.
I had a wonderful honeymoon with the Lord. I was sold out. I evangelised, led people to the Lord. I was young, keen, I got involved in missions, in church life, made Christian friends. I stopped smoking (eventually), I stopped the parties & lifestyle changed.
I moved.....I got married. I was in love with worshipping God. I went to all the prayer meetings. Sometimes I still felt desperately insecure...but I still pursued Him.....I went on Ministry trips, I got involved in the Charismatic movement, I led worship, I was part of the main leadership team, I was leading the children's work, ministering into schools, getting together frequently with other christian leaders....
until gradually, it all fell away.......slowly subtelly it all fell away. I cannot bear to list how - no big sins, no major sackings, just a slow backwards orbit......times of ministry where I had to uncover my heart & admit to a whole mess of rejection and lovelessness and abandonment.
I had to admit to tremendous emotional pain. And once I did so, it felt like - feels like - it is here to stay....
I have read the books, heard the tapes, had 'counselling' until no one I know can help any more.....
I have one hope left. It is the love of God the Father.
The knowledge is all in my head. I know the theory. I have even touched the experience from time to time....but I need an encounter that will re-form my heart on the right foundations.
That is what I am seeking here. Not 'here on the blog' but 'here in my heart'....
Why blog it? Well maybe others are on this journey too. I hope it doesn't descent into self absorbed angst.
I don't want it to. I want it to rise into God centred glory
Above all now, I know I cannot make it happen. It has to be Him. Over to Him now.