The other day I was looking at an abstract piece of art and clearly saw a face of someone holding a sword, I thought initially that it was an angel. The face had a pearl like texture, yet the skin was red in part & he was wearing a golden helmet. The sword was also golden but it had fire running up and down it.
A song was being sung. It was about pain. A song that although the Lord had torn us, he would bandage us. He had wounded us but would heal us. And that he had not left us in our pain but was with us in it. Like the fourth man in the fire, he was there.
I saw the picture again, and this time I realised it was not an angel - it was Jesus. He himself was standing in front of me with the sword. He had compassion in his eyes and I knew he would not pierce me without my permission. His eyes told the story that he knew what the pain would be like & I remembered that he too was pierced with a sword. Out of his wound flowed the blood of salvation & the water of cleansing….my wound would not cause me to shed blood or spill water. It would not be an exit wound but an entrance wound for Him….for the sword of his word….for His presence…..it would be an entry point for healing.
Then he called for surrender. ``
He asked 'what is on the throne? Yourself, your needs, your pain….?'
All those things need dethroning so that He can be enthroned in my heart.
Above the pain, above the desire for deep close friendships, above the loss and the loneliness.
Then Jesus was sitting on the throne in front of me. His eyes blazed like fire but there was laughter within them. I was awestruck, kneeling but he beckoned me closer. The arms of the throne were golden and I put my hands on them & leant towards him. I heard his words "I will speak with you, I will be closer than a brother. Fix your eyes upon me."
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Spring
Everything was destroyed. The ground was desolate. A wilderness. Here and there were brown sticks - a bleak reminder that something grew here once.
Any hope was long since buried under the pure white snow that brought joy at first before hardening into grey ice which made you skid and fall - leaving a legacy of broken limbs and potholes.
The cold winter culminated in endless days of grey murk. There was no vision - nothing to see, not even the person standing next to you.
Then something. A tiny tip. Green. Daring to emerge - fighting its small, defiant way through the hard, frozen soil. The most fragile of them all - snowdrop - did the snow drop you there as it fell? Or do your fields like to mimic the long gone white stuff in a defient 'ya boo!'. You are a most welcome little bloom.
Swiftly followed with a smile by the daffodil - a dancing bright yellow promising that there will be joy again. Tears may last for the night but joy comes in the morning...(Psalm 30:5)
It happens every year but once again I am amazed by the profound message of spring. Creation painting a picture of how life is...over and over again...until one day we will sink into the ground and only rise in a new place where the need to die will be no more.
John 12:24 24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds
Any hope was long since buried under the pure white snow that brought joy at first before hardening into grey ice which made you skid and fall - leaving a legacy of broken limbs and potholes.
The cold winter culminated in endless days of grey murk. There was no vision - nothing to see, not even the person standing next to you.
Then something. A tiny tip. Green. Daring to emerge - fighting its small, defiant way through the hard, frozen soil. The most fragile of them all - snowdrop - did the snow drop you there as it fell? Or do your fields like to mimic the long gone white stuff in a defient 'ya boo!'. You are a most welcome little bloom.
Swiftly followed with a smile by the daffodil - a dancing bright yellow promising that there will be joy again. Tears may last for the night but joy comes in the morning...(Psalm 30:5)
It happens every year but once again I am amazed by the profound message of spring. Creation painting a picture of how life is...over and over again...until one day we will sink into the ground and only rise in a new place where the need to die will be no more.
John 12:24 24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds
Saturday, 29 January 2011
The Father Story
Sometimes it is good to remember what it is all about...
The Father Story inspired by Psalm 145:7
Once upon a time there is the most wonderful Father you could ever imagine. His eyes shine with love. When he looks at you it is overwhelming. It is like hot shafts of light penerating through you to the innermost depths of your heart. It is like every part of you is being hugged. Finally you know you are safe.
And this Father, this wonderful Father, is all powerful, for he is God. There is nothing soppy or sentimental about this love. It is the sort of love that puts strength into your heart. It fills you up until you overflow.
This Father walks across the entire planet collecting for himself all who would say yes to him. He has started to write a long and happy story which includes all these people, whom he adopts as his children. He loves them so much he inscribes all of their names – each of their names – onto the palms of his hands. He has big hands – there is room on them for every name. Even mine. Even yours. His wonderful goodness spills out from his heart.
Sometimes his children fall over and his heart is full of compassion for them and he reaches down and helps them. He is kind. He is kind to each one of them. He loves the songs they sing to him however out of tune they may be.
He is creating a special kingdom for them to live in. A place that he will rule over that will last forever. It is a majestic, glorious place, filled with splendour, filled with Him. His love pulses through the air and fills the whole kingdom with joy. It is part of the story. I am in this story. So are you. We can never fall out of it.
Ours is not the story of this dark world, though for a while we travel here. Even as we walk through it, there is a hope - a light, a flame in our hearts. Sometimes it blazes like a fire, sometimes it is just a little glowing ember, but it is always there – our hope. And always, our names are engraved on the palms of his hands, which are ever before him. We are all part of this wonderful, good story.
He is our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be His name...
The Father Story inspired by Psalm 145:7
Once upon a time there is the most wonderful Father you could ever imagine. His eyes shine with love. When he looks at you it is overwhelming. It is like hot shafts of light penerating through you to the innermost depths of your heart. It is like every part of you is being hugged. Finally you know you are safe.
And this Father, this wonderful Father, is all powerful, for he is God. There is nothing soppy or sentimental about this love. It is the sort of love that puts strength into your heart. It fills you up until you overflow.
This Father walks across the entire planet collecting for himself all who would say yes to him. He has started to write a long and happy story which includes all these people, whom he adopts as his children. He loves them so much he inscribes all of their names – each of their names – onto the palms of his hands. He has big hands – there is room on them for every name. Even mine. Even yours. His wonderful goodness spills out from his heart.
Sometimes his children fall over and his heart is full of compassion for them and he reaches down and helps them. He is kind. He is kind to each one of them. He loves the songs they sing to him however out of tune they may be.
He is creating a special kingdom for them to live in. A place that he will rule over that will last forever. It is a majestic, glorious place, filled with splendour, filled with Him. His love pulses through the air and fills the whole kingdom with joy. It is part of the story. I am in this story. So are you. We can never fall out of it.
Ours is not the story of this dark world, though for a while we travel here. Even as we walk through it, there is a hope - a light, a flame in our hearts. Sometimes it blazes like a fire, sometimes it is just a little glowing ember, but it is always there – our hope. And always, our names are engraved on the palms of his hands, which are ever before him. We are all part of this wonderful, good story.
He is our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be His name...
Thursday, 27 January 2011
So if God is in us, why the struggle?
Like I said in December, God is in me....so why is it so hard on days to retain that sense of His presence? That peace, that love. God does not change, so where does it go?
As Paul says in Romans 7:21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
I heard a good explanation recently...here is a picture of it
The aim is to live out of the heart, which became filled with the Spirit once I submitted to God and gave Him my heart. Now He has renewed my heart. My heart is now good, spirit-filled and influences my feelings, thoughts & will.
But feelings, mind and will are also open to whatever influences life throws at them - be it sickness or any kind of adverse circumstances. Then they start getting noisy....the feelings scream 'this hurts' - and I feel terrible pain. The mind then questions..'why does it hurt? Have I done something wrong? I can't handle this, I must be rubbish...why has this happened?' It wrongly concludes 'God cannot love me...' The will loses the will to fight, to draw close to God, or even the will to live! It is swamped...and of course the enemy adds his 2 cents worth of lies and accusations too.
I am not strong enough to excercise will-power to get me out of this hole.The aim of course is to retreat to my heart, where God's spirit dwells and allow myself to hear His voice...allow it to still my mind...to calm the inner storm.
I think it will take a life time of practice to get there. Just as I reach that inner place of peace and assurance, something rocks my boat, feelings take over and I capsize all over again. January has been like that really.
I am reminded of commandos practising their assault courses. Time and time again, they go around in circles. Time after time they fail to 'climb the wall' and fall at the same obstacle. Yet each circuit, they are getting imperceptably stronger....one day, they will sail over the wall...
Understanding what is going on helps, but the battle is still to be won. I am weak, which is fine by God. I don't think I'll ever be strong, but I do believe that one day, his Spirit (which is training me) will rise up within me & provide His inner strength to enable me to walk by the heart, in freedom.
Jesus battled this too. In Gethsemene, knowing what lay ahead, he fought the same fight, he wrestled with loneliness, betrayal, and the knowledge of the terrible ordeal ahead. He was in inner turmoil and anguish, but concluded 'not my will but yours be done..' His victory is our victory, as Paul concludes Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
I am grateful the God's love is here for me, whether I am living by His Spirit or lost in my feelings. It is not a case of success or failure, more a growing experience of walking by His spirit with a heart that is free, full of peace and ready to love....one day ;-)
So I pick myself up & confess that one day I will say, with my God I can scale any wall.
Psalm 18:29
As Paul says in Romans 7:21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
I heard a good explanation recently...here is a picture of it
But feelings, mind and will are also open to whatever influences life throws at them - be it sickness or any kind of adverse circumstances. Then they start getting noisy....the feelings scream 'this hurts' - and I feel terrible pain. The mind then questions..'why does it hurt? Have I done something wrong? I can't handle this, I must be rubbish...why has this happened?' It wrongly concludes 'God cannot love me...' The will loses the will to fight, to draw close to God, or even the will to live! It is swamped...and of course the enemy adds his 2 cents worth of lies and accusations too.
I am not strong enough to excercise will-power to get me out of this hole.The aim of course is to retreat to my heart, where God's spirit dwells and allow myself to hear His voice...allow it to still my mind...to calm the inner storm.
I think it will take a life time of practice to get there. Just as I reach that inner place of peace and assurance, something rocks my boat, feelings take over and I capsize all over again. January has been like that really.
I am reminded of commandos practising their assault courses. Time and time again, they go around in circles. Time after time they fail to 'climb the wall' and fall at the same obstacle. Yet each circuit, they are getting imperceptably stronger....one day, they will sail over the wall...
Understanding what is going on helps, but the battle is still to be won. I am weak, which is fine by God. I don't think I'll ever be strong, but I do believe that one day, his Spirit (which is training me) will rise up within me & provide His inner strength to enable me to walk by the heart, in freedom.
Jesus battled this too. In Gethsemene, knowing what lay ahead, he fought the same fight, he wrestled with loneliness, betrayal, and the knowledge of the terrible ordeal ahead. He was in inner turmoil and anguish, but concluded 'not my will but yours be done..' His victory is our victory, as Paul concludes Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
I am grateful the God's love is here for me, whether I am living by His Spirit or lost in my feelings. It is not a case of success or failure, more a growing experience of walking by His spirit with a heart that is free, full of peace and ready to love....one day ;-)
So I pick myself up & confess that one day I will say, with my God I can scale any wall.
Psalm 18:29
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Ponderings from Life
New Year, New experiences
New Experience No. 1: Today I was woken rudely at 7am by the shrill ringing of the phone. Hubby was calling for help as his car had suddenly died and there was a room of eager students waiting for him at work so he couldn't be late. So I dragged on some clothes, wiped a flannel over my face, gulped some water down and drove to the rescue in my nice new car.
Eventually found him near a busy motorway, someone having kindly pushed the car up onto the grass verge (read lotsa mud). So he said 'thanks', we swapped keys and he drove off in my car and left me sitting in his in the rain on a busy roundabout in the dark with no power and nothing to do but wait for the breakdown truck.
Ah well. As it was, the breakdown truck arrived before I got too cold, but the mechanic couldn't fix it, so the tow bar came out. This was New Experience No. 2 (never been towed before). This led swiftly to New Experience No. 3 when we both got stuck in the mud which used to be a grassy verge. After much revving & rocking forwards & backwards with mud flying in all directions, and lots of blue smoke on his part we eventually backed out into a horrendously busy dual carriageway (my eyes were closed at theat point, 'cos no one was moving over for us). Then it was just a case of me trying to copy his steering & indicating motions (tricky, as one of his indicators was broken!) and following him. New Experience No.4 was the utter frustration of knowing the way, having given him directions and the postcode of the garage for his sat nav, being stuck behind him mirroring his movements, and knowing full well that he had taken a wrong turn and was heading the wrong way!! I'm almost busting a gut in wanting to communicate with him at this point...should I beep the horn? (- no - that's considered rather rude over here...)
Aside : Do you think the Holy Spirit feels like that ever? God freely lets us drive the tow truck, doesn't He? He gives us the keys - free will - and the truck - life. We're the ones in control - He never forces His way...but with our consent he attaches himself to us and is right there with us. I was just imagining him watching my life at times saying (as I was) "uh oh buddy - you're never going to get to your destination that way!! You're going to have to turn around and backtrack at somepoint - sooner is better than later"...and yet He doesn't leave us, not unless we deliberatly dismantle the tow truck and go off without him. He doesn't interrupt us, though He must long for us to stop and listen. He just waits, letting us drive on, until we think of stopping and asking him for help...and then He doesn't yell at us, just sometimes corrects and always willingly gives us advice and direction and comfort if it's needed."
Well at some point the mechanic did stop and ask my advice and I gave him new directions (then promptly forgot to take the handbrake off - ooops!). We eventually made it to the garage....where the car decided to stop messing around & started first time for them!! In retrospect, they have no idea why, as, when they checked it over, they found that the alternator had exploded (vary rare occurence apparently)! Thankfully no other damage. The mechanic had been standing by the side of the road, spouting negative assessments. He was sure the cam belt had snapped, which would have bent the valves yada yada - in seconds he had totalled up a potential bill well into 4 figures. As he gleefully listed these, I politely told him to 'stop right there' and said 'let's wait and see what the garage says shall we?' After all, he had looked under the bonnet for barely a minute - really just checking the battery - so how would he know?
Aside: so typical of the 'the world', spurred on by the enemy always assuming the worst before any facts are known. It was actually quite easy to shut the guy up. 'Stop right there!' Perhaps I should take the same approach when negative lies are coming my way that I know I shouldn't listen to!
Meanwhile back home, friends are discussing the latest book to come off the Christian conveyor belt. It promises "that there is a Universal Healing Code that will heal any issue for anyone. In this book you will get that Universal Healing Code, which takes only 6 minutes to do. You will also get: The 7 secrets of life, health, and prosperity (DVD also available) The 10-second Instant Impact technique for defusing daily stress Access to The Heart Issues Finder"......and so on. Yeukityyeukyeukyeuk!!!!
I hate this stuff that is aimed at people who are desperately hurting. It pretends to care but doesn't think twice before wringing the $$ out of them...offering quick fixes with no substance.
To my mind the Key to the 'Universal Healing Code' is the man who made the Universe. He indeed will heal any issue for anyone. If we follow his way He will heal our hearts, but not in 6 minutes, more like in a lifetime. There are no 7 secrets to life, health and prosperity with him, but One Secret Place where all these things are found in abundant richness. There is no 10 second impact technique for diffusing stress, but there is instant Peace. There is no Access to the Heart Issues Finder, but if we give Him access, he will find our hearts, deal with the issues, and bring us to life. And this Key is free. No $$$$ required. The only cost is our wills, our hearts, our lives....really, I just need need to quietly kill off self, then He will Live in me, bringing Abundant Life with Him. There is no DVD to be watched, just life to be lived.
Hey Ho...Let's stick to the 1 in 3, 3 in 1 secret shall we? He who of course is not a 'secret' at all, though He is a mystery at times...
New Experience No. 1: Today I was woken rudely at 7am by the shrill ringing of the phone. Hubby was calling for help as his car had suddenly died and there was a room of eager students waiting for him at work so he couldn't be late. So I dragged on some clothes, wiped a flannel over my face, gulped some water down and drove to the rescue in my nice new car.
Eventually found him near a busy motorway, someone having kindly pushed the car up onto the grass verge (read lotsa mud). So he said 'thanks', we swapped keys and he drove off in my car and left me sitting in his in the rain on a busy roundabout in the dark with no power and nothing to do but wait for the breakdown truck.
Ah well. As it was, the breakdown truck arrived before I got too cold, but the mechanic couldn't fix it, so the tow bar came out. This was New Experience No. 2 (never been towed before). This led swiftly to New Experience No. 3 when we both got stuck in the mud which used to be a grassy verge. After much revving & rocking forwards & backwards with mud flying in all directions, and lots of blue smoke on his part we eventually backed out into a horrendously busy dual carriageway (my eyes were closed at theat point, 'cos no one was moving over for us). Then it was just a case of me trying to copy his steering & indicating motions (tricky, as one of his indicators was broken!) and following him. New Experience No.4 was the utter frustration of knowing the way, having given him directions and the postcode of the garage for his sat nav, being stuck behind him mirroring his movements, and knowing full well that he had taken a wrong turn and was heading the wrong way!! I'm almost busting a gut in wanting to communicate with him at this point...should I beep the horn? (- no - that's considered rather rude over here...)
Aside : Do you think the Holy Spirit feels like that ever? God freely lets us drive the tow truck, doesn't He? He gives us the keys - free will - and the truck - life. We're the ones in control - He never forces His way...but with our consent he attaches himself to us and is right there with us. I was just imagining him watching my life at times saying (as I was) "uh oh buddy - you're never going to get to your destination that way!! You're going to have to turn around and backtrack at somepoint - sooner is better than later"...and yet He doesn't leave us, not unless we deliberatly dismantle the tow truck and go off without him. He doesn't interrupt us, though He must long for us to stop and listen. He just waits, letting us drive on, until we think of stopping and asking him for help...and then He doesn't yell at us, just sometimes corrects and always willingly gives us advice and direction and comfort if it's needed."
Well at some point the mechanic did stop and ask my advice and I gave him new directions (then promptly forgot to take the handbrake off - ooops!). We eventually made it to the garage....where the car decided to stop messing around & started first time for them!! In retrospect, they have no idea why, as, when they checked it over, they found that the alternator had exploded (vary rare occurence apparently)! Thankfully no other damage. The mechanic had been standing by the side of the road, spouting negative assessments. He was sure the cam belt had snapped, which would have bent the valves yada yada - in seconds he had totalled up a potential bill well into 4 figures. As he gleefully listed these, I politely told him to 'stop right there' and said 'let's wait and see what the garage says shall we?' After all, he had looked under the bonnet for barely a minute - really just checking the battery - so how would he know?
Aside: so typical of the 'the world', spurred on by the enemy always assuming the worst before any facts are known. It was actually quite easy to shut the guy up. 'Stop right there!' Perhaps I should take the same approach when negative lies are coming my way that I know I shouldn't listen to!
Meanwhile back home, friends are discussing the latest book to come off the Christian conveyor belt. It promises "that there is a Universal Healing Code that will heal any issue for anyone. In this book you will get that Universal Healing Code, which takes only 6 minutes to do. You will also get: The 7 secrets of life, health, and prosperity (DVD also available) The 10-second Instant Impact technique for defusing daily stress Access to The Heart Issues Finder"......and so on. Yeukityyeukyeukyeuk!!!!
I hate this stuff that is aimed at people who are desperately hurting. It pretends to care but doesn't think twice before wringing the $$ out of them...offering quick fixes with no substance.
To my mind the Key to the 'Universal Healing Code' is the man who made the Universe. He indeed will heal any issue for anyone. If we follow his way He will heal our hearts, but not in 6 minutes, more like in a lifetime. There are no 7 secrets to life, health and prosperity with him, but One Secret Place where all these things are found in abundant richness. There is no 10 second impact technique for diffusing stress, but there is instant Peace. There is no Access to the Heart Issues Finder, but if we give Him access, he will find our hearts, deal with the issues, and bring us to life. And this Key is free. No $$$$ required. The only cost is our wills, our hearts, our lives....really, I just need need to quietly kill off self, then He will Live in me, bringing Abundant Life with Him. There is no DVD to be watched, just life to be lived.
Hey Ho...Let's stick to the 1 in 3, 3 in 1 secret shall we? He who of course is not a 'secret' at all, though He is a mystery at times...
Friday, 24 December 2010
God in me??? Really?
Us Christians all know it, in our minds. We try and 'be it' (be Christlike, that is) from our wills. We have mountaintop times, or times in worship, when we feel He is close...we are in His Presence.....but it is dawning on me that our minds, our wills, and even our feelings, are not the same as our hearts - this part of us that leapt to life when we met Him. At that point He took up residence in us - Spirit, Son and the Father himself.
John 14: 20 "I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.....Jesus replied, "All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them."
Yes I know it, but do I experience it every day...all the time? Or do I just experience it in my 'religous' moments (ie: when I am particularly focused on things Spiritual). No I don't experience it daily - so why not? Really it has to be something I am doing wrong........
I heard some amazing teaching about Eden & living from the tree of life, rather than the tree of the knowledge of good and evil....and it is transforming my life really. Sounds dramatic but it is. The tree of life is what Jesus brings - perhaps it even represents him, but it is a tree of life (i.e. unbroken relationship with God) and a tree of Love. The other tree is a tree of knowledge - even a tree of knowledge of 'good'. The minute I start judging people and even things - whether they are good or not - I am in danger of chomping on the wrong fruit! Don't mishear me - we still need discernment - I'm not talking about that. But I am talking of this way of over-analysing everything - be it doctrine, Christian Living, ourselves, others, church, the worship, society etc. I so often do this. I will analyse the world, or the latest fad & righteously shoot it down & it leaves me feeling a bit miserable, & a bit ugly inside. Yet what I have been saying is not wrong in itself. I might have been expressing 'right' and even Godly statements - but does it bring life to my heart - discussing the right/wrong in the world?? No.
As with everything, it starts in the mind. I find myself thinking about things wrongly & it soon leads to judgements - even right ones - but judgements from the wrong tree.
The brilliant thing in all this is that I am helpless and weak and unable to change the way I think or speak, and I know it! I keep finding myself becoming locked in these negative thought patterns but now I am developing an inner sense of warning at such times. Perhaps an inner awareness of this spirit who dwells within, warning me. The minute I feel it I cry out for help - and so far, every time He has helped. Often in practical ways - rescuing me from situations or thoughts by providing something external or internal that diverts me into other ways of thinking or acting. It is brilliant!!! And the minute something happens that diverts me, I feel this inner peace restored, this inner life welling up. Too many examples to cite but they are there and they are real.
At its simplest it is called 'walking by the spirit' and is nothing new....but oh...it is dawning on me that truly He is within.
Many warn against too much introspection, but what if, when we look inside our hearts, we look deeper than our problems & 'us' bits. I can get stuck on the 'me bits' & so then try my hardest to look outwards because I don't like what I see within...then I end up serving & doing the 'right things' but it is all through self-effort and inside I am dying for I know the pain and brokenness is simply being covered up by activity. And if the activity happens to go well, then pride sneaks up for I know that I have done good. Bad fruit.
But what if I do look within and keep looking beyond the 'me bits'? I look with eyes of faith, knowing He has promised to be in my heart....and to my amazement (ah....my unbelief on days!!) I am finding him there. It is wonderful. I am meeting Him there...sometimes He might point to a bit of what's inside and work on it to change it - but more often I just see His eyes of Love and He leads me to places of healing...often at the cross....but to other places too.....biblical places that I am seeing with new eyes.
So this introspection leads not to 'woe is me', but to Him and to healing. It doesn't have to take long, or even involve others - just one touch from Him can heal....and then of course, because He is Love and He is giving, almost without trying I find myself looking to give to others....looking outwards.....and it does not lead to pride for I know it is nothing to do with me or my effort, but just down to his everlasting love and grace. Good fruit!
Perhaps this is a bit of the practical outworking of what October's 'City of Gold' blog was about.
John 14: 20 "I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.....Jesus replied, "All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them."
Yes I know it, but do I experience it every day...all the time? Or do I just experience it in my 'religous' moments (ie: when I am particularly focused on things Spiritual). No I don't experience it daily - so why not? Really it has to be something I am doing wrong........
I heard some amazing teaching about Eden & living from the tree of life, rather than the tree of the knowledge of good and evil....and it is transforming my life really. Sounds dramatic but it is. The tree of life is what Jesus brings - perhaps it even represents him, but it is a tree of life (i.e. unbroken relationship with God) and a tree of Love. The other tree is a tree of knowledge - even a tree of knowledge of 'good'. The minute I start judging people and even things - whether they are good or not - I am in danger of chomping on the wrong fruit! Don't mishear me - we still need discernment - I'm not talking about that. But I am talking of this way of over-analysing everything - be it doctrine, Christian Living, ourselves, others, church, the worship, society etc. I so often do this. I will analyse the world, or the latest fad & righteously shoot it down & it leaves me feeling a bit miserable, & a bit ugly inside. Yet what I have been saying is not wrong in itself. I might have been expressing 'right' and even Godly statements - but does it bring life to my heart - discussing the right/wrong in the world?? No.
As with everything, it starts in the mind. I find myself thinking about things wrongly & it soon leads to judgements - even right ones - but judgements from the wrong tree.
The brilliant thing in all this is that I am helpless and weak and unable to change the way I think or speak, and I know it! I keep finding myself becoming locked in these negative thought patterns but now I am developing an inner sense of warning at such times. Perhaps an inner awareness of this spirit who dwells within, warning me. The minute I feel it I cry out for help - and so far, every time He has helped. Often in practical ways - rescuing me from situations or thoughts by providing something external or internal that diverts me into other ways of thinking or acting. It is brilliant!!! And the minute something happens that diverts me, I feel this inner peace restored, this inner life welling up. Too many examples to cite but they are there and they are real.
At its simplest it is called 'walking by the spirit' and is nothing new....but oh...it is dawning on me that truly He is within.
Many warn against too much introspection, but what if, when we look inside our hearts, we look deeper than our problems & 'us' bits. I can get stuck on the 'me bits' & so then try my hardest to look outwards because I don't like what I see within...then I end up serving & doing the 'right things' but it is all through self-effort and inside I am dying for I know the pain and brokenness is simply being covered up by activity. And if the activity happens to go well, then pride sneaks up for I know that I have done good. Bad fruit.
But what if I do look within and keep looking beyond the 'me bits'? I look with eyes of faith, knowing He has promised to be in my heart....and to my amazement (ah....my unbelief on days!!) I am finding him there. It is wonderful. I am meeting Him there...sometimes He might point to a bit of what's inside and work on it to change it - but more often I just see His eyes of Love and He leads me to places of healing...often at the cross....but to other places too.....biblical places that I am seeing with new eyes.
So this introspection leads not to 'woe is me', but to Him and to healing. It doesn't have to take long, or even involve others - just one touch from Him can heal....and then of course, because He is Love and He is giving, almost without trying I find myself looking to give to others....looking outwards.....and it does not lead to pride for I know it is nothing to do with me or my effort, but just down to his everlasting love and grace. Good fruit!
Perhaps this is a bit of the practical outworking of what October's 'City of Gold' blog was about.
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
A Week with the Angels
I was privilaged to spend a week at the retreat centre last week. Wonderful time. It was at a 'Fatherheart' conference.
I was thrown at first by the lack of any kind of worship or praise before the sessions. Also no regular prayer ministry after the sessions. There was 'soaking' to gentle music for half an hour per afternoon & one prayer ministry time towards the end of the week but that was it....so different to where I hark from.
It's funny though - as the week progressed I began to see where they were coming from & really appreciated this. It made me realise how liturgal I have become. My church (which I love) has developed a praise/word/prayer liturgy just as traditional as the 'traditions' of the established church which we spurn! I'm not saying our format is a bad thing - of course not - just that I/we can develop an expectation that God will ALWAYS work through that format & that he cannot work without it - that is a dangerous misconception.
It also revealed to me how often I respond out of emotion - I am always very moved by music & will often respond in a 'response time' if there is background worship going on. All very well...but when the music stops, so does the response & I will too easily fall back into the old ways.
This week I knew that any response that came from me, came from my heart, not my emotions. Which has made moving on from the week rather amazing. I did not come away on a mountaintop high - & those invariably lead you to a valley low soon afterwards! - more that I came away with peace in my heart and a message ringing in my heart. I have sniffed a whiff of freedom - freedom from striving and performance and freedom from pain...freedom from judging and being judged. The smell of freedom is inticing - inticing enough to make me really want to walk in grace.
On Sunday I was supposed to be playing in worship group. Instead of being frustrated that an extra guitarist had turned up I was quite relieved. We went to pray beforehand and I just curled up on the floor of the prayer room like a child and rested in God's love. I stayed for what seemed like moments but was nearer an hour.....how good of Him to send along the freedom to allow me to do that. I find myself lying down on the floor often now when it comes to prayer times. Probably a phase, but He is using it to remind me that it does not depend on clever words or even on what I say or do....I just need to be childlike and He will do it all - He does live in me, after all.....and that is a thought that is starting to fill me more and more.
I was thrown at first by the lack of any kind of worship or praise before the sessions. Also no regular prayer ministry after the sessions. There was 'soaking' to gentle music for half an hour per afternoon & one prayer ministry time towards the end of the week but that was it....so different to where I hark from.
It's funny though - as the week progressed I began to see where they were coming from & really appreciated this. It made me realise how liturgal I have become. My church (which I love) has developed a praise/word/prayer liturgy just as traditional as the 'traditions' of the established church which we spurn! I'm not saying our format is a bad thing - of course not - just that I/we can develop an expectation that God will ALWAYS work through that format & that he cannot work without it - that is a dangerous misconception.
It also revealed to me how often I respond out of emotion - I am always very moved by music & will often respond in a 'response time' if there is background worship going on. All very well...but when the music stops, so does the response & I will too easily fall back into the old ways.
This week I knew that any response that came from me, came from my heart, not my emotions. Which has made moving on from the week rather amazing. I did not come away on a mountaintop high - & those invariably lead you to a valley low soon afterwards! - more that I came away with peace in my heart and a message ringing in my heart. I have sniffed a whiff of freedom - freedom from striving and performance and freedom from pain...freedom from judging and being judged. The smell of freedom is inticing - inticing enough to make me really want to walk in grace.
On Sunday I was supposed to be playing in worship group. Instead of being frustrated that an extra guitarist had turned up I was quite relieved. We went to pray beforehand and I just curled up on the floor of the prayer room like a child and rested in God's love. I stayed for what seemed like moments but was nearer an hour.....how good of Him to send along the freedom to allow me to do that. I find myself lying down on the floor often now when it comes to prayer times. Probably a phase, but He is using it to remind me that it does not depend on clever words or even on what I say or do....I just need to be childlike and He will do it all - He does live in me, after all.....and that is a thought that is starting to fill me more and more.
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