So where have I been?
It's over a year since I posted. I wrote 'the pain of loving', and put the blog out there. Then a few friends asked if I blogged, and I gave out the blog address only to be challenged about the various things I have said. I should have taken on board my own words! The pain of loving indeed.
My heart felt violated. Yes this is public, but why do people who live nearby prefer to see my heart online instead of over a coffee?
It is a short cut to my heart.
Not only were they preferring an instant insight that cost little time or vulnerability on their part, but my heart was judged and my words were used against me.
By putting my heart online I am saying, 'this is worth something...what God is doing in me...this is precious.' It is out there in the hope of connecting with fellow travellers who may be on a similar journey.
I am becoming convinced that we are, that you and I are His Beloved. Just as He is mine.
And he doesn't qualify his love, he doesn't wait until we are healed, set free and sorted out. He takes us in our brokenness, so that He can shine through all the more like treasure in clay jays.
The last months have been a difficult and painful journey. I have been battling with feelings of betrayal and abandonment, I have been aware of lies and offences been thrown at me. Ah the battle to avoid bitterness taking root.
And I have felt gagged. I have felt a pressure, in knowing who reads this blog, to sounding spiritual. To say the right things. Knowing that any wrong things may be taken down and used in evidence against me. Knowing that some of my deep heart feelings may be bandied about as if they cost nothing to write.
And yet here I am, writing again! Why?
Well I have changed the blog name and removed followers who live nearby, lest I be judged, and this blog name will just be hidden amongst thousands of others, and may only be stumbled upon by weary travellers wondering if they could possibly be Beloved too. Oh, and you are. So Beloved.
Perhaps old and distant friends may find their link still works and that is fine. You are welcome here.
I want to be honest. Authentic. Without feeling threatened or that I am TMNE (too much or not enough.) One day I will have the courage to be that authentic with all whom I know. But that day is not today, for my heart has been damaged, and trust is a hard commodity to find right now.
I feel like I have been left with so little and yet so much.
I look around, and apart from my fantastic husband (and that is a Big exception) I see few people nearby. Perhaps my increasingly prickly reactions or my retreat has pushed them away, but really it is ok. Forgiveness is starting to flow as I drink the cup Jesus drank. Yet increasingly, my vision is filled with Him. Utterly beautiful.
Bless you my lord for daring to walk this painful road before any of us, and in a depth we will never experience.